9:41pm- my kids will be disappointed…this is God will though. I've done everything in my power to create the life I want. To ensure my kids will get what they wanted to make sure things go good for me and stable. An if God makes changes I'm going to obey. I'm going to go with the punches. Go with his desire for my life. I'm definitely scared. I think I'm scared for my kids. The changes about to take place in their lives. It's going to be sudden but it's life. It's God plan and I'm going with it. These are times though when I feel like having a life partner would've made things easier. But whatever that's not my life. Not my story and I have to accept that.
6:06am- that fear really did creep back up into me. But it's fear for my children. Fear of their reaction to this change. So many changes in a year. Edith was here they really enjoyed her, then boom she's gone, from our apartment into a house, having the government up in our business, having Asia kids and her back in our life, and now they'll be changing schools. I can't control these changes. I can't do anything about it. It's literally God will. I'm trying to be positive about it. Well more so just acceptance of it.
9:06am- yeah I definitely still have feelings for her. Why did I see her name and my heart dropped. I got scared she was coming to this office.
1:57- God is so good to me. My life is so blessed. What is to come is scary. Mainly because I don't know what will happen. I don't know what is coming. I can't really see into the future like I used to. I used to try to predict and plan and make adjustments to create the life I want to live. An it's like now I just go with what God is giving me. As people fall away I accept it, I feel good being my authentic self. When I don't feel like answering my phone I don't. When I feel to call or text I do…the only person I don't call or text is Edith. Because I don't want to force myself on her. I don't want to force anything. I'm letting God do what he wants. If he wants her in my life she'll reach out to me. If he wants us to be together she will show she wants to be with me. If she's not for me things will stay just like this. No communication no contact and I'll meet my person and know she's the one. But I know God truly is leading me. Controlling my life. Bringing me to where I belong.
4:36pm- I been taking to Tanvi and Mer all day about getting the love we give others. So the lesson I learned today is. We don't get what we want because we want it from a place of lack. An that's ungrateful and God gives us everything we want and need so being ungrateful you won't be given anything. You are allowed to want, but not from a place of lack. Only from a place of gratitude. Understanding you already have what you want. But you simply want more because you want it. Not because you don't have it.
8:55pm- tomorrow I'm cut my hair, get Jophiel hair done, clean my bathroom, build the boys dressers, order they wallpaper, finish my budget, an try to focus on my book and some videos. I still love Edith and want her and it's annoying…. I'm about to go to bed. They said she said she ain't messing with no one. But she's not here with me and that hurts. I don't know if she's the one for me but I still feel like she is. An I don't see anyone else right now. I haven't met anyone else that could steal my heart. Ugh…God send my wife ASAP please.
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