😮‍💨🤔🙃🥲

5:01am- I dreamt I spoke to her. She said she never fucked him. We spoke about us and life and making it work. 

5:46am- I really do lack faith…but oddly I was feeling good before. I was ok before. An then seeing her on sunday all of a sudden I feel so weak. I feel like shit. I feel like God has forsaken. It’s like why? Why was I feeling good before and now I’m all fucked up and not feeling good. Now I feel abandoned by God. I feel lost and angry and confused. I feel like how I felt when I first broke up with her. It’s like bro, why did God do this? Why did God bring this girl in my life. Just to fucking hurt me? Just to break my heart and leave me like this? Than it’s like ok I’m applying for different positions and that’s not working out. So it’s like what the fuck is happening in my life for real. ugh….Tina is supposed to come at the end of the month. That will be nice to spend some time with her. Jewels said she’s coming at the end of the month as well. Which would be cool as well. I’m going to take the friday off to spend that time with Tina. I’ve been doing good so far, no twitter no youtube. I wanna take this month and stay focused. This month I wanna reset my mind and really train my brain. Ever since seeing her I feel that hurt again. It’s not as strong but it’s there. An yesterday I laid it all on the line. I told her how I feel and I don’t think she read or listen to the messages. But I told her I need a response by her birthday. An if I don’t hear from her by then than I’ll let her go for real. I’ll never speak to her again. Because it wasn’t awkward when I saw her sunday I just felt sad. But I’m not going to be cordial and for me if anyone mentions her I’m on some fuck her type shit. But I don’t know…honestly I have no idea what’s happening in my life. Like no joke this shit feels like straight trash. Which is such a sad way of seeing my life. When I have so fucking much. Easily over 10k in investments, a house I can afford, a stable job and income, good health, my kids are smart and in good health, I have a car, I have friends and family who love me. It’s like I have such a good life, just an awesome life. An I have peace, peace of heart and mind…but still yet I’m sad, still yet I feel like I’m missing something. Still yet I feel like I don’t have something that’s really important. I feel like I lack…an that’s such a sad hurtful feeling. Because it’s like I don’t…but I feel as though I do. I fucking sent her a 30 minute voice note…what a loser I am…but it’s like that’s me I needed to say everything I needed to give her the chance to fix this. The chance to really try. An if she doesn’t reply if she doesn’t reach out. Then I have to let her go. This would be the ultimate sign. This is it. I laid my truth on the table I told her how I feel and what I want. An if she chooses to ignore it it’s a clear sign she’s not for me. It’s a clear sign we are not meant to be together. It’s a clear sign to say fuck her, she’s legit trash and would rather eat random dicks than settle down. So we’ll see…because what person woman or man. Would turn down the opportunity to be with someone who treats them good, wants to be a parent to their child without a parent, fucks them good (her words not mine), buys them things, wants to build a life with them. And she finds me physically attractive. So she likes me and wants me but doesn’t want to commit to me. So this is it. If she doesn’t make that choice than it shows that yes, she would rather be a hoe than settle down. And I will have to accept that. Like legit I will have to accept that she would rather fuck a different dude every couple weeks than settle down with one person. An it’s her life not mine. 

8:08pm- I don't know how I feel. But I think I feel sad. I know I still love her and don't want to let her go. But feel it in my gut that I have to let her go. I'm going to fast and pray a lot. No YouTube, no Twitter, no texting, no phone calls. just me and my thoughts. I have to know if I'm supposed to keep showing her love until she realizes she deserves it.