shame

There is a level of shame I feel. Shame for how I feel about her. Shame that I even still care about her even though she was horrible to me. Shame that I allowed it to go on so long. Shame that somewhere Inside me I still want her. I still want it to work. Shame that I would pick her and not all the other obviously better choices... To be human is to love someone with flaws while loving your own. 

This shame brings me shame. To conquer it is to face it. It's not enough to recognize it. To see it inside me and give it a name. Give it acknowledgement. To conquer it is to face it. To speak it, to express it, to feel it openly and honestly. The quzzy stomach is an indicator that there is emotion there. There is fear, anxiety, hurt, shame... There is humanity... 

But I'm going to run, I know the right thing is to conquer but I'm scared. I'm an emotional coward. I'm unwilling to endure the emotional pain for growth. I'm defiant to God's clear path. I am too walk the road of hurt. Walk the road of emotional pain for the growth of detachment. But it hurts and I'm unwilling. But I don't want to hold anymore. I want to let go of the shame. Let go of her. Let go of it all. But I'm scared of the hurt, tired of the hurt, unwilling to endure the hurt. But I hurt regardless. 

I feel shame for sharing, shame for expressing the anger, the hurt, shame for being me. I can't figure out how I got back here. How I ended up back in this cycle of running from my emotions. Running from pain. Running from emotional growth.