give thanks

6:46am- I've been trying to be focused. I do a lot of self reflecting. I've been trying to figure out how my relationship feel apart. Really like how could I have done better. But ultimately it wasn't on me. A relationship requires two people that want to be together. Two people that see a future with one another. She never saw a future with me. But whatever, that just means she's not meant for me. Which is a good thing we broke up because I want a family. I want a wife, a woman to come home too. A woman I can call and talk to about life and my fears. I want a real connection to another person. I'm sick and tired of shallow bonds or meaningless sex. I want more and yearn for it... Maybe one day. One day a woman will truly desire me and I will desire her and we'll both decide to live our lives with one another in it. In the mean time I woke up today thinking about gratitude. Thinking about my blessings. How God is soo good to me. My son's are healthy so am I. I'm working on not drinking alcohol anymore. An I kinda wanna give up smoking weed. I wanna live a healthy life. Hell I tried to go on that journey with my girlfriend and she flat out said no. No exercise, no eating healthy, no stopping the alcohol. An I was ok with that cause I'm do it on my own. But she wasn't even partly motivational. Whatever why did I bring her up again... Like I said I think I need to be more grateful. More focused on the blessings God has given me... That's what I wanna focus on more. An definitely taking things one day at a time. Focused on today and not tomorrow or next week. Just focus on today. 

7:16am- I wanna workout harder. I been doing pretty good with my daily pushups. Especially since I don't want to do it. But I do it anyways. I wanna get my body right as I get my mind right. 

7:45am- everyday I want to take a picture and capture a moment of my life. Something to share with you everyday... Everytime I think of her. I remind myself that love only ends in heartbreak. Like what did I expect. No matter how great or beautiful the love. It will end in heartbreak. Someone will die first leaving the other heartbroken or someone will fall out of love and leave. Still leaving you heartbroken. It's hurtful but it's the natural truth of life. So it becomes enjoy love while you have it. Embrace the hurt and beauty of partnership of love. I'm hurt but I understand no matter what I'd end up feeling this way. I'm hoping today is not a day spent thinking about the love I let go/lost. Today though I don't think I'm going to answer the phone if my friend calls me. Two days in a row she called me talking about my ex. I don't want to think about her. If she really did love me or want me she'll reach out to me and talk. Until then it's all good... But I'm off tomorrow so I think I'm do some heavy cleaning. I wanted to take my boys to the movies but they ain't been good. My new headphones supposed to come today as well. I thank God for my life, for my intelligence, my money in the bank, my health, my understanding of life and people. I'm grateful for all the blessings and mercy God gives me. I'm grateful for this life I live. 

8:57am- I just want to love and be loved in return. My desire for a relationship scares me sometimes. Because I don't understand why I want someone to claim and someone to claim me. I desire a real partnership. A person that the two of us are actively working towards goals in life. We talk and plan and grow and develop together. I understand there will be arguments and disagreements. But if we want to be together we'll talk it out. We'll work it out. The arguments and talking is to find a solution to the problem. Idk it's on my mind and I'm trying not to think about it. I just say thank you God. I try to think of my blessings. Thank God for this life I live. 

12:41pm- I think to myself. How do I really feel about me when I want to be with someone who doesn't want me. I think want to be with someone who doesn't care about being alone doesn't care about being with me. How can I say I love me some me when I would stay and long for someone who don't want me. Sometimes you really gotta stop and think about what we're doing. 

3:12pm- https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Gb6RK32q4Qg&si=5ec7g235My9W6bUT this is a motivational speech I've been listening to. It's a hour long. Almost made me cry... I'm so ready for my life to be different. 

-own a Tesla 

-buy a house

-build my body

-ecommerce site

-more money invested

7:50pm- I ate a gummy and feel good. That'll be my picture for the day. 

this is not an endorsement or promotion of the product. With that said I'm in the zone. Feeling good, and I realize I really wanted the distraction. I don't want to focus and sacrifice and give up my old life. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. And I can't do that. That's not how life goes for me. I gotta put in the work and sacrifice. That's why I got kicked off Snapchat. I gotta let that part of me go. In order for a new me to be born. I know my ideas might seem radical. But it's only because you don't understand, or you don't want to accept true life facts. An one fact is there is a optimal way to do everything and anything a way that ensures the most positive and outstanding results from doing any one thing... If that makes sense. But that's for a video and the white board. To really get into my thoughts. I'm not a FULLY private person. I think of life like art, a open book. We're all doing the same things. Writing the same story ultimately. Each of our stories will add into the grand scheme of it all. You'll come up as blank who birthed blank who changed the human race with his discovery who birthed blank... Like that's you, just a name in a long line of names up to the person who has a smidget of your blood. I'm probably go to bed soon. I'm do a bit more work.