9:19pm- fuck I got the wrong movie. I got a damn 3d movie. I don't like 3d movies. Last one I saw hurt my eyes. Hopefully this one is better. But man I love a good movie. I need to lock in. Write my books and movies, make my rugs, make my YouTube videos, buy my stock. Just focus on me and let go of that other stuff. I want to be loved so badly but I need to love myself. I'll probably start going to the movies once a month.
11:18am- I feel anxious and scared. Is so hard to shake it off. I'm afraid I'll see her tomorrow. The movie was alright. Felt rushed, they should've built up to the movie honestly. It wasn't bad but it wasn't great. I could've waited for streaming.
8:28am- I did really good with this month.
i did My daily pushups more days than not. Earlier in the month I indulged a lot, but I eventually stopped and didn't go back. I'm not going back either, but I feel good. I really really gotta go look at some houses. Time to make this thing happen. My heart still feels fluttery. Ugh I feel odd going to work. I really hope she's not there. I know I would be over her. But I really have strong feelings for her. I really wanted to be with her. I say it past tense but I want her back. But I won't say a word to her. Won't even look at her... She don't care I do but I have to act like I don't. These new women are dumb as fuck. Alcohol, drugs and sex with random men is what they want. Fucking disgusting.
9:15am- ugh...I was angry and hurt. I don't mean those words. Everyone is alive living their lives. People are allowed to want to be alone and never know the joys and pressures of deep human connection. That's not me, I desire a real closeness to another person. I'm going for Dunkin and then going to work. I have so many things to do. Today after work I think I'm go drive to Vero and look at houses. Especially if I can get off before 3. My calve still hurts from that Carly horse last night. My heart feels fluttery which is so stupid. Feeling this anxious...I did my routine though. Prayed and got ready for the day.
9:33am-Balance is so hard. I try to get 7-8 hours of quality sleep. But I work 8-10 hours 5-6 days a week. An still have to have time for my kids, for my personal projects, for my goals, for my mental well being. Balance is really really hard. I wanna be a writer, make YouTube videos, podcast with my cousin, custom rugs, look for a house, learn cyber security, invest in crypto and stock. And of course I want a wife 😭😭😭
9:51am- she's not here and I'm praying she doesn't show up. She's usually late though she don't respect time. But I'm praying.
10:25am- I didn't see her car or her and I didn't look for her name on the sheet for today. I'm leaving the office. This the first time I've ever been out the office this early. I'm not playing today. I'm sad I didn't see her but God I'm so happy I didn't see her. I legit never want to see her again in my life. That shit hurt what she did to me. Let's get this day over so I can go look at houses.
12:12pm- I feel angry... Angry that I can't call her. Angry that I'm single, angry I spent so much time trying to show her I'm willing and ready to understand her ... She deserves love deserves to be happy. But so do I... She's not for me, she's made no attempt to come back. I'm hurt world and I thought I was over it. But I'm not.
12:31pm- slow deep breaths in through the nose. Slow breaths out through the mouth.
1:00pm- she didn't even want to eat healthy and exercise. I'm telling her mail I love you and wanna be with you for the rest of my life. Eat healthy let's workout together. Let's grow together and she was just like no I'm not doing that. I'm not putting effort into anything. An it's like you have a daughter. You have a child. You don't want to live long for her for yourself. Ugh...I think she's depressed, still grieving... And I wanna be there for her. I wanna love her back into good health. I don't get it... Her blocking me stops me from even trying. Whatever I gotta let her go. Let it go. She doesn't want me, doesn't want to live healthy, doesn't want my type of love.
2:11pm- I got groceries and I'm off now. I'm go drop off the groceries change cloths and go look. I'll shower when I get back home. Maybe take the boys with me to go see houses. When I get home, I'm make shrimp Alfredo salad juice and garlic bread. I'm really excited about buying this house. I wonder if I'm going to be moving in in January 2025. That would be such a cool way to start the new year.
3:00pm- let's go look at houses.
4:46pm- I didn't really like those Vero houses. One of them I like but I don't know when I can see the inside. I'm tryna see if I can go Wednesday. I'm go see one of the houses in fort Pierce. Then I'm going home to make dinner, shower, and do this podcast... I would've really like to be able to talk to her about the house buying. Would've been nice to buy a house with her. But nope, she rather drink and be a side piece. What a fucking fool. Ugh she pisses me off. Cause it's like why do I want her. Why do I feel like she needs my love. She needs love, someone to show her she deserves more. But I'm not God, it's not my place to know or make those decisions. I pray she finds happiness and I find a wife who makes me happy and I can give her all my love and dedication.
5:48pm- I get angry and lash out. Shit look at me. I think about her and get mad and get on here and carry on. Ugh... I really hate being single. Hate not having my own person. I'm almost done cooking. I didn't get Angel noodles. I'm trying bow tie noodles with shrimp Alfredo.
we'll see how good it comes out. Wednesday the realtor said I can go look at houses.
6:06pm- dinner taste real good.
i need to buy glass bowls. The plastic not good for your health. Micro plastics getting in our food entering our bodies. I'm eat then shower and see about this podcast.
6:20pm- son I put mushrooms, garlic, and unions diced up. An yo that shit was good for real. Ok let me shower. I'm ready for bed. I feel good. I really do miss mail but this is God will. I'm going to pray. Maybe God is preparing me for her return to me. We're both maturing and growing. Maybe that's why she didn't give me my tickets. She wants to go with me to the party. She wants to fix this... Ugh I'm so stupid. Love is all I want.
7:20pm- I miss her everyday.
11:21pm- hellbound season 2 on Netflix was good as fuck.
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