ashes to ashes

10:05pm- ideals, philosophies and ways of living. Speaking the intricacies of human connection in our relations to the planet and animals and other life forms the various things made up of atoms and star matter. That's what this is for... I mean I also use it to spazz out. To mental vomit and let it all hang out. Let it so loose... They say if you wanna hide anything. Just write it down. Most people don't read. So here I spew my guts, I speak my truth. I release the little bottled up thoughts I want to share without sharing. Because here it's like you came here. Looking to see 👀👀 with your looking ass. Well I'm showing my ass, cause I'm a person. I'm a human just like you.. matter fact, that's how I'm going to start it everyday from now on. Good morning, I'm a person just like you. These are my rambles. Also I'm going to schedule every post to drop at 10:00pm each day. It'll post whatever I wrote for that day. 

6:26am- I feel grateful this morning, life is good. I'm good. Everything is good. I went to bed around 10:15-30 and that little difference got me up this morning feeling a bit tired. But I'm shake it off and keep going. My package is supposed to come soon. When it does I'm going to Walmart to get some supplies and start creating. I still haven't started studying for a new career. Or writing my stuff again. Over all I've been emotional. An that makes me distracted. Which is why I avoid getting emotional. But I did heavy thinking before bed. Whatever God is doing I accept whatever he's going to do I accept. I mean in the end we don't have a choice but to accept. Anything else is kinda a waste of time and energy. 

7:11am- so one of the things I've been doing to control my thoughts. I'm immediately thanking God for my situation and life finding things to be grateful for, forcing myself to smile, repeating God give me strength and help me, just talking to God like a normal person. Which is kinda like talking to myself. And concentrating on my breathing. So I'll breath in and out and only think about controlling my breathing. Slow deep breaths. Until the thoughts pass or I switch to a different technique. 

7:34am- this is what I need to do more of. 

focus on me and take responsibility for my words and actions. Yes I react to people pissing me off. But I dont have to react that way. I gotta take responsibility for me. 

7:46am- One of the things that I realized really is true that David goggin said. He said once you begin to do the things that you don't want to do like mentally and physically, you don't feel like doing something, but you force yourself to do it. You begin to callous your mind. You literally begin to train yourself to do things regardless of how you feel and that is a powerful thing. Like this morning I was not in the mood to get up and do the push-ups but to stay with my consistency. I have to do the push-ups so I've been slowly getting myself into doing things that I'm not in the mood to do, but I need to do them anyway to build this new life to build a new normal. I'm praying daily, I'm so ready for a new life. This is not my stop, I want and need more out of life. 

1:59pm- I wanna make more money to help my mom. I hate that my mom going through stuff. I wanna help her but I wanna buy a house as well. Ugh so annoying, I gotta seriously figure something help. I gotta help my people. 

3:27pm- I hate to hear my mom crying... I thank God that we've grown though, we're much closer than we've ever been. She gives me more respect and so I respect her. 

5:43pm- the storm is coming and I still have to go to work. Which is fine, fuck it... Fuck it.... I think I wanna stop or seriously slow down my cursing. I don't drink anymore. I should stop cursing as well. I wanna be different. I wanna change into a better person. A man amongst men. That lemon water while at work really does help me not buy food on the route. 

7:10pm- yesterday I was online and found a website to get free government money to buy a home. So I'll share the site with y'all once I've got more information and start the process. Well I mean it's not that serious. so the idea is to figure out how to get some of that state money to buy or build me a house. 

8:10pm- I want to make a show with someone. I'm make one with Jewels. That's my girl like Mer, I could talk to them for HOURS. Just jumping from subject to subject arguing laughing just having a good time talking. 

9:16pm- my stuff supposed to come on the tenth. I'm really happy. Asia stuff supposed to come soon. I'm just give it to her. I was going to give her a contract. Get some revenue coming into jrb LLC. But nah, I'm just help her and see what she does this time. I'm see how serious she is. I got my own business stuff I need to do. I think I'm start writing again. I got some life lessons to teach through stories. And I want more money. I like seeing my money grow and work I like having money. I like the freedom it gives you. That's the thing about life. For all of us, we're trying to survive but also have fun and experience life.