do you want to get over it?

5:39am- why did I wake up and start eating cookies? Drinking coffee and eating cookies... And look at this 

i read this and thought of me. I used to call this girl to vent and talk about life and my day and she would totally act like she didn't care. Straight up say I don't want to hear that. She would just act like she didn't care. But this really is intimacy. I wanna be able to talk to my partner and open up too them without fear of being rejected. But it makes me think she really is just hurting inside. Maybe I'm looking for excuses to take her back. But I can't take her back because she blocked me. And so I leave her alone. But I did find out she hasn't told anyone we're not together. But I told 2-3 people. It's all so annoying. I just wanna love and be loved. But whatever this week is looking rainy and I should get some things done. God willing I'll be safe all week and my kids will be ok as well. 

7:21am- I'm still doing everything but study for a new career. Been working on my business ideas, writing out my future plans, and planning my YouTube videos. I don't write scripts for my videos but I do write talking points and outlines. It's my business I'm working on, someone else's business I'm working on as well. I just gotta keep working towards my stuff everyday. Everyday piece by piece little by little. 

7:33am- today is the big test, I gotta go back to working with this girl. Ugh I didn't wanna do that, I didn't ever want to see her again. 

7:42am- I guess the time for running is over. No more running from my fears and emotional pain.

8:27am- God damn Maria told people here we not together. Whatever I mean we not so it's no big deal. But fuck I hate that we not together. What ever is God will. This is a test to face my fears to stand tall in the face of pain, hurt, and embarrassment. But more over it's a lesson to be thankful. To be grateful. To have loved and lost is a gift given from God himself. 

9:52am- this has to be a test. An I'm grateful to God. I pray for the strength and wisdom to pass. I'm not looking at her or speaking. But people coming up to me to say she says we not together. Maybe she wants to hurt me. Idk ... But the time of running from fear is over. It shouldn't bother me to say hi and bye. But I don't want to be cordial. I don't want to be friendly. She was truly the woman I want. 

12:14pm- I didn't even look at her today. But just knowing she was there talking about us not being together and being happy about it. Ugh she's so dumb. Why would she not want to settle down? But in the end it's with me. Gotta let her go and let God do his plan. If you have faith than believe God knows your pain and will bring you more happiness. 

12:56pm- where since I been single this girl has talked to me daily. I know she wants to be with me. But I don't know, I don't like going backwards. I hate going back to someone who didn't value me correctly. An this girl did not value me at all. It's gotta be the city I live or where I'm finding these women... But I just want love and affection. I gotta get this shit off my mind. I need to focus on making more money, and worshiping God, and my family. One day I'll have love again. Until then I gotta keep moving. I can't be hung up on someone who don't want me. But I also don't want to get up under someone new until I'm over her. I really do wanna get married, live with my woman, and build a family. 

1:41pm- I gotta stop criticizing and looking at others. I'm so figure on what she did and how she hurt me... I'm ignoring how I acted and reacted to her. Ugh I need to get this shit off my mind. It's dumb and has me wanting to go backwards in my actions. 

2:45pm- I really do feel stupid missing this girl... Everytime I think about us I can see I was supposed to been leave her alone. I was supposed to leave her behind. She was supposed to be just sex. But I tried to make her more. I always try to treat person like they the last person. But that's not how to live. I just wanna be over this feeling. This feeling of wanting love. 

4:50pm- it really is my ego ... But at the same time I legit don't want to see her because I want her ... But I'm make a pro and con list.... Cause I feel like shit. I want a beer and I haven't drank in what? About a week. 

5:28pm- fuck I don't feel good. I wanna go home and lay down. I don't wanna shit. I should've called out when they said I gotta go back to my original office. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm seriously overly emotional. 

6:21pm- I'm just going with the flow. Whatever God is going to do to my life. Fuck it I wanna learn to be happy about it. Be happy about whatever happens to me. Heartbroken, that's ok. It's God will. 

7:04pm- yeah I desire real human connection. I desire a family with someone I can connect to and open up with. The idea is to find someone that I can be me with and get rid of my blog. Or at least post once a week instead of daily. But fuck I feel like crap. Today was rough. But I thank God for the blessings I've been given. I gotta be strong, is not easy but I gotta be strong. Have faith that God grace will allow me peace of heart and mind. Ultimately I need to control my thoughts, learn to let go. One day someone will like me and I will like them and her and I will be together happily. I'm probably going to bed early tonight. I really don't feel good. I should push to do SOMETHING productive. But I think I'm just shower lay down and watch TV and thank God for what I have. I just want peace.