continue on

7:34am- today I woke up early but laid in bed. I was up since 5:30 and barely moved out of bed. Last night I went to bed around 6:30-7. I was not feeling it. I wanted the day to end. I was feeling the loneliness. I gotta get over this feeling. I'm get up and start this day. 

8:25am- the fomo is real. Fear of missing out is a real fear. Fear controls me in every way. But it's fine, I have to stop consuming content. I gotta get on a strictly study cyber security, make YouTube videos, write, create, and stay focused. It's just super hard for me. 

8:48am- I love when someone invites me to get a plate of food they made. That's like a form of love I appreciate. It screams I'm thinking of you and I care about your well being. 

now this is my friend and look how kind and gentle she is. This is what I want in a friendship and relationship. Like we should all be talking life into each other. Talking each other up not down. If this was my last girlfriend all she would say is do it. Worst she don't cook so she ain't offering me a. Plate of nothing. But even if I was looking for encouraging words she wouldn't offer that to me... So why do I miss her? Why do I think I deserve to be treated like shit? I know how I want to be loved. I know how I want to be treated. But I keep going towards people that treat me like shit. Idk what's wrong with me. There are people in the world that want to be loved and give love. Those are the people I need to find and be around. 

8:59am- see another friend that speaks life. 

another person who understands how to talk to people. This is why I said my ex never liked me. All my friends are nice, they speak life, they motivate they say helpful things and positive things. An this girl NEVER wanted to say positive or nice things... An you know I think to myself. She is hurting she is going through things. She wasn't ready for what I want. Because I want marriage, I want to live with my partner, I want to love someone fully and be loved fully back. I want a relationship that could last a life time. I wanna be with someone who wants to be with me. And maybe she learning to love herself. Idk but I gotta stop thinking about her about relationships... I gotta focus on God and myself. Build myself build my life build my relationship with God. 

9:15am- I wanna be with someone who competes in love. Who wants to out love me. 

9:20am- good friends not only speak life into you and call you out on your bullshit. They remind you of reality although I feel alone. I'm not alone, I have friends and family that care about me and want to see me succeed. There are literally people counting on me to make something of myself. People who want and need my help. People who cherish and love me... It just so happens the woman I want to feel this way about me doesn't. An that's life that ok. I just gotta get over it and move on. So the next person to come can get full open vulnerable love. 

10:58am- letting go of the old for new isn't easy. I wish she loved me like I love her but I'm let it go.

11:15am- I been so selfish. About this whole breakup. Like what if she really is going through something... I want her but she's not ready for what I want. When honestly I'm not willing to wait. But everyone is fighting demons going through life trying our best. I gotta stop thinking about her about us. 

2:28pm- I've been listening to my book today 

i think I'm relisten to this and how to win friends. I'm go back to no music. Just audible books informative videos and motivational speeches. I gotta get things going. I gotta make this happen. I wanna take care of my mother and sister. I wanna leave my kids and grand kids money. I wanna create... 

4:21pm- stability is everything. I want and need stability. 

7:31pm- my life is my art.. I am a artist, a creator, a whisperer of hearts. I did pretty good, I ordered some stuff.. I worked on separate income project. I was productive, but not in a build a new career way.