day to day

5:57am- every person is trying to figure out exactly what we're doing. Some people think they have their lives figured out. They forget they don't know the future. Literally anything can happen at any time. Life is full of mysteries... Art is messy and each person will read or look at it and think differently in general. Also my sister is in the hospital waiting for a CT scan. May God protect her and keep her safe. I need to exercise daily, I wanna get a personal trainer or join a gym class. Oh that's what I thought of. Fuck it don't be afraid to start over. Stop what you're doing today and do something different. People change they adjust and alter. Embrace the change, the right to think different. my problem is never wanting to let go. I have to learn to be ok with letting people leave. With letting people go. I hold on hoping later they'll see me worth or value. Later they'll be what I've wanted. 

6:28am- this life thing never stops there is no pause or wait let me catch my breathe phase. It's always on go always on to the next thing. Life is bigger than each one of us individually. But today makes day 3 of my new life. It's been hard sticking to it but I'm trying. I'm struggling to keep on track. Struggling to keep on this track God has for me. I have to have faith that the life God wants is better than the life I've been living. 

6:45am- my heart still hurts. I yearn for a love I could feel. A love a can touch. A love to speak life into me and build me up. It's God why I didn't go back. It's not that I don't want to build my life. But I don't want to spend my life focused on money and children and miss out on the beauty of love beauty of sharing existence with another human. Being able to call someone mine... I guess I woke up today feeling it as well. But I'm thank God, cause anytime we feeling weak or feeling like we want to go backwards. Prayer, prayer, prayer... That's the only way I'll free myself from this mental and emotional prison my mind has me in. Everything gives me a sense of fear, a feeling in my stomach that says take it easy. Don't rush, no pursue, don't try... When did I become this person? When did my mind get so distracted. People think I'm not doing anything because I talk about what I want to do. But I am doing things. I am making moves every day. I'm not making the moves I specifically want to make. But I'm making moves, I'm doing things. Everyday I try to do something that brings me closer to the life I want to live. I pray daily God prepares me to be a good husband and sends me a good wife. I'll try not to go on about this. It seems... Dumb and not important, but it's so important. 

7:49am- what a life to live. I'm trying to get my mind focused on other things.... Sometimes I read my blog and what to delete it. But my life is my art. My story is my art. This is my life my mind my truth. Sharing it with the world doesn't make you weak or anything other than human. We're all just figuring out our paths. Figuring out our lives. Figuring out what's going on with our lives. 

8:15am- everything will be going great than boom. Just like that. Everything is thrown off. 

10:11am- I thank God for today. My sister is out the hospital. Something about a cyst and fibroids. She has to go to another doctor. An although I miss my ex and still kinda want her back. I feel good, I know everything I feel about her is right. She has to grow up. Let go of the clubs and bars and dressing all slutty and skimpy. I also need to grow into the man I know I'm supposed to be. I thank God for all he's done for me and my family.

4:55pm-change really does hurt. Growing pains is real. Today my mind has been occupied. I almost had a moment of weakness but I fought it and I'm home now. Very unlikely I leave my house. I don't have anywhere to go. I could go grocery shopping but blah. I could film this video about stormx since the news is still a bit fresh. I'm go shower and see how I feel. 

6:22pm- I know what to do. Is just doing it. Actually doing the work. Doing the stuff, the important work. The part that matters the most. I didn't make a video or write or study. I looked up gyms and found two. 

which is expensive and I would have to go at like 5am. And this one 

which isn't bad, I'm check them out. She said it's a free class first. So I'm see, but I would go early morning as well. Then I can go to bed early and have good reason. I'm in the gym by 5am means I gotta get up at 4. If I'm change my life I gotta be fully dedicated to being distracted. Exercise, writing, tufting, learning, cyber security. I got so much I want to do. I barely got time to blog... Life is about what will I actually do.