one day at a time

6:01am- God is good, God is good, God is good. Each day I gotta just do things to bring me closer to the life I want to live. I need $100,000 after taxes. I need a 4-5 bedroom house with 3-4 bathroom. Yesterday was laundry but today should be good. No laundry to do and dinner is already made. So today when I get home. I gotta work on my studies. 

6:31am- I'm going from day 1 to one day. 

a new life a new me a new existence. It's my time to give me what I deserve. An I deserve love, happiness and peace of mind and heart. I'm so fucking scared and nervous. But I know what the old life has for me... Nothing changes if nothing changes. I can't get new doing the same shit. 

7:24am- this girl is to funny to me. 

she just be talking. I tried to be with her and she wanted to party and talk to men and just do the most. An now that she been through like 2-4 shitty men she ready for me again. She wants to be with me. But it's like nah man, I'm not going backwards. I don't wanna be with no one who didn't value me from day one. Cause I'm a great guy. 

12:34pm- I have a real fear of being alone. A real fear of not having a partner. I guess I am afraid of not being love. Afraid of being abandoned. 

1:26pm- although I know she didn't love me or even like me. I actually felt REALLY strongly about her... So when I feel bad or lonely from thinking of her or remembering our time together. I thank God. I thank God for the moments of happiness I got to share and enjoy. God is good and I'll praise him in all things. Good or bad I'm praise him. 

2:07pm- 😡🤬 it's always about sex, ugh... I want more than sex but fuck I want sex... I wanna connect with another human on a deeper level. I want my humanity to be my attraction to another and theirs mine. 

4:32pm- working late I won't complain. I want the money to pay off my debt faster and do my business ideas. Plus I'm being more grateful. Believing God truly controls my life and will lead me down the right path. 

4:53pm- the real goal is to love the process. Grow to find joy in the journey. Not the destination. 

5:37pm- I'm scared of the work needed to learn cyber security and learn this stuff. 

6:50pm- ready to do everything but study. 

9:18pm- another day of being productive in a way that's not what I really want. The idea is to have no fear... What is our lives but moments together spread out. I fear a life of not trying more than a life of failures. An that's the part where it's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. I am but a person on a rock drifting through outer space. These are my rambles.