🤔

5:44am- I feel tired, I went to bed around 10:30... It was nice seeing Jessica. It was.... Idk how I feel about seeing Edith. Especially since she didn't bother to call me or text. So like I said seems she's done. I can respect that, it's all good to me. Peace is what I want and love is what I desire. Let me get up and start my day. This week I need to work on paperwork. 

6:10am- there it is. 

why I feel tired this morning. I didn't get my 7-9 hours of sleep. I need my sleep to wake up feeling decent. Ugh.... And I haven't been eating. I been hungry but I'm not in the mood to eat. 

i don't feel bad being hungry. And I know it's healthy to intermittent fasting. Idk, I feel just blah. But I'm trying to shake it off. She doesn't want me and even if she did. If she's unwilling to change what good does it do? I stop drinking alcohol and smoking weed. I don't even take the gummies anymore. I'm not saying my partner has to be like me. But it would make the sobriety journey easier... I hate that I keep talking about this woman and thinking about this shit. That girl probably out clubbing drinking sucking a new dick getting fucked. Girls will jump on a new dick the next day you break up with them. VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY. Notice how I'm saying very so much that's how rare it is. Very few will go celibate and heal and wait. Especially the ones who drink or smoke weed. They'll be getting fucked the next day. What does it matter though? Look at me... Woke up on some negative stuff. Woke up feeling just blah. Choosing violence and anger as my wakeup emotion. Never again, gratitude and thanks is what I wanna wake up with. God is good God is good God is good. 

6:51am- one day I'll wake up and never even think about this girl... It's such a sad thing to love someone and move on with your life while they're still a live. But I guess that's the story of life... I fear someone settling for me. I fear what I would do to another being done to me.... What a shit person. Total trash 😭😭 I just wanna be a better person. With peace of mind and heart. I woke up feeling emotionally charged. I wonder why... Is it from yesterday? Seeing Edith and Jessica in one day. Two women I wanted to be with but didn't work out. Ugh I hate it. I hate being emotional. 

7:22am- man I feel emotional today. I feel sad and hurt that I don't have a love of my own. What an annoyance. I really want to be with her. But she no good for me. She doesn't want what I want. That shit is hurtful for real. I can imagine this is what women who want me and I don't want them must feel like. It's not nice. Not fun. Barely tolerable. 

8:06am- I was thinking about writing her a letter. But than I'm like for what? The girl blocked you because she doesn't want you contacting her. Why the fuck would you write a letter. Leave the girl the fuck alone. An it's true.... Like why am I so obsessed and ready to make an ass out of myself. She took the drink yesterday and talked because she doesn't care. I care... But than again it's like maybe I'm putting things on her. Her mom and sister was in the hospital. Which is strange because Jessica dad was in the hospital to... I gotta be honest. If I had to choose between the two I would choose Jessica. She's more caring and affectionate and loving. An I like that. I want that. I need that in my life. I need and want love. 

9:11am- maybe I moved to fast. 

12:31pm- I won't get off until 6:30 today .... I was thinking of getting off and getting a family meal from la granja and a dozen roses and drop it off to Edith. Her mom was in the hospital and I want her to know I still love her and want her. Whatever man I'm so dumb. 

1:13pm- maybe I won't do it. As I think about it. It's like why? That girl really don't like you bro. And if you go back to dealing with her. She'll be exactly the same and I'm already different. I stop drinking and smoking. She'll still be exactly who she's always been. 

9:31pm- I got off at 8 and my heart said bring her mom some food and flowers. So I did and her mom was so happy. She wasn't home but her mom was glad I brought her food and flowers. I'm an emotionally unstable person. Mentally unstable as well.... I need to get myself together​. Learn my self and get my life together. I need to focus on me. But that's my last attempt at connecting with her. Merlyn is right. I seriously gotta focus on me and get myself together. Or I'll repeat the same cycles. Y'all be safe and pray for me.