7:25am- if that girl came back TODAY wanting to me with me but acted exactly the same... What difference would it make? What would happen then? Cause I'm over here crying about missing her talking about pieces of our lives fitting perfect. When there are MANY pieces that don't fit at all. I have demons and problems I need to deal with and solve. I have shadow work to do. Integrating my dark and light side so I can become one person... I said that to say. I need to cut it out and let it go and focus on me and getting me right. I didn't cut my hair yesterday so I'll do it tonight or finish really cleaning the house. I helped Jophiel make his rug though and I did order the rest of our rug stuff. An since Jessica talked to me yesterday. I think I'll make her a rug for her birthday. This the rug Jophiel made.
don't ask me what's it supposed to be. We ran out of white yarn so he used black to finish his background. Later today Jojo going to make his rug. Then I'll probably make a rug for Jessica or Tina. But right now my life is.
1. Tina
2. Arena
3. Jessica birthday gift
Those are rugs I want to make for people for sure. I'm make pillows to. Asia said she'll sew them together for me. I also need to make YouTube videos about this crypto stuff happening.
I'm going to sell all my stmx.
7:43am- I have not gotten out of bed today. I feel lazy this morning I don't know why. I'm getting kinda nervous and anxious about seeing her today. I was going to look right at her today. But than I'm like why? Again if confessed her love and said ok let's be together. Who cares if she's going to be exactly the same. She has to realize she needs to change just like I realize I need to change. An maybe we do it separated... Would've been better if we could together. But overall I don't know what I'll do. If I'm speak to her or ignore her. If I'm look at her or not look at all. I have no idea what I want to do. I'm trying not to think about it. I was going to go to Dunkin and buy her a drink... But I'm like why? Than I thought do it because you love her. It isn't about her loving you back. That's the other problem. Selfishness everything is about me. How I feel what I want. But did I ever stop to think maybe she's still grieving maybe she is autistic just high functioning maybe she's fighting addiction and depression. Maybe she's going through something... So maybe when I go to Dunkin today I will get her a drink. When I get to Dunkin I'll decide that. Ok I'm getting up out of bed. Get ready for work and cut out Jophiel carpet for him. I ain't do my daily pushups either. And honestly not having a girlfriend is WAY cheaper than having one.
8:51am- ok so I came up with a game plan.... Look, I broke up with her 3 times now. Two times was me, then she broke up with me, then I just broke up with her again. So yeah.... With that said this is my plan. I'm going to buy her a Dunkin I know she likes. If she's at work I'm give it to her. If she takes it than I'll make the bluey rug for Emani and I'll know the door to friendship and a possible relationship is still open. If shes not at work than I know it means to let her go. If she doesn't take the drink then I know she don't fuck with me no more. I guess this is me looking for closure? Cause I emailed her she ignnored me I left a voicemail and she ignnored me. So now we'll be face to face and if she ignores me. Than it's official. I'll delete all the pictures of us out my phone and throw away the rest of this stuff I have for her and I won't make the rug. I'll literally just move on with my life.... In the end I keep thinking about what Mer said. I need to break this cycle. I need to heal my heart in order to truly find happiness. I have everything in life ... Except a partner. An that's what I want the most.
9:25am- super long line at Dunkin. I wonder if that's a sign not to do this. I feel like she won't take it. I'll be embarrassed and no one to blame but myself. But at least I'll be able to say I tried. I gave it 3 attempts to get back together. Which yes I recognize how crazy and silly and just dumb it sounds and seems. But I'm human with emotions and I believe apart of being alive is embracing those emotions and feelings and recognizing that that's a part of the human experience.
9:51am- she took the drink said thanks and that's it. I said you don't wanna talk and she said not about that right now. So I'm leave it alone, honestly I feel better. I guess her not talking to me hurt more than knowing I still have limited contact. So for now I'll leave her alone. But when I can see her and talk I will. But overall I'm leave her alone. I am a genuinely overly emotional person.
4:22pm- I'm about to get off work and she took the drink we spoke for like 2 mins and I walked away. I think I'm ok now. Based off her reaction to me. It's done. She ain't salty it's just done and over for us. So I ain't mad, I deleted her number so I can't text or call to see if I'm still blocked. Which is fine, she'll either reach out to me. Or we'll never talk again. I'm ok with that. Hell even Jessica gives limited conversation which again is fine. I'm ok with that. I think I'm growing too be honest.
5:15pm- so a couple months ago I stop buying juice. Now I make own. I just buy fruit usually around $20 worth. And I blend it. Mainly watermelon strawberry and any melon really. Pineapple. No banana because it'll make the juice thick like a milk shake. I want it watery like juice. And I gotta say. That natural juice be good as fuck. No sugar added and it's still sweet.
9:27pm- ok the day ended on a good note. I got to see Jessica. That was nice. Hanging talking with her. I totally forgot how nice it is to hang with her. We actually talk, and laugh, and just vibe.... Ugh what am I doing with my life. What the fuck is going on.
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