i did my part. I told her she making me feel insecure I told her I want to be with someone who sees a future with me. I want to be with someone who wants to live with me. Someone who wants to buy a house with me. I want to be with someone who acts like they want to be with me. We broke up because she didn't want those things, she has me blocked. An for some reason my heart hurts. I get sad when I think about it. But there are women who want that with me. I literally could name 3 off top of my head. One lives in North Carolina, one in Broward county, and one right here in Fort Pierce. But I'm heartbroken over a girl who has never given me a complement and literally says she's ok with being alone at least twice a week minimum. 🤦🏿♂️🙆🏿♂️ I literally just want peace of heart and mind... Today I have to grocery shopping, order the rest of the stuff we need for our project, and prepare for the week. I need to start working on getting the boys paperwork. I think tomorrow I'm going to have to work with her and it'll hurt me bad. But that's life that's my life. I yearn for love but never get it. 
this is my story. In the end I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'll write a book from my pain. But I'm a lover a giver. A taker of time and physical bliss. My life is a joke and that makes me pissed. 
I'm going to stop talking about it now. Let's start the day. Thank God for my life. 9:12am- I finished my first project.
Tina has to send me the projector so I could put the image correctly. Also you can see where I didn't put the yarn in correctly.
for my first time I'm kinda proud of myself. I thought about making Jessica a happy birthday rug cause her birthday is end of the month. But she doesn't even respond to me. That girl ain't fucking with me. Which is good I guess... Good for her I imagine. Again I was always willing to be with Jessica but as most people. She was unwilling to grow and change and TRY to see things from my perspective. Than I thought to make a rug for Emani, but Edith ain't fucking with me. Lady got me blocked... Then I thought to myself bro why do you want to rekindle with these people who literally don't want the same thing as me. I want a family, I want a house, I want to live with my partner, I want to plan a future together and work towards that. I want to spend quality time with my partner. I gotta find a woman who wants to do the same thing. But yeah that's my big secret, I been working on making rugs. I'm thinking about going to Joanne's or hobby lobby to find some stuff. I need Shears and slip-free backing. For my rugs.
10:19am- for a new life I need to clear out old stuff. I'm going to get rid of cloths and a bunch of stuff in my house. I wanna get rid of a bunch of stuff. I wanna start new, I feel good not drinking to be honest. I don't think I'm ever going back to drinking alcohol. Idk, it's just not appealing to me anymore. I'm sick of constantly having my emotions fluctuate.... I'm going to Joanne's right now. I'm see if I can get the shears, nonslip backs, duck bill scissors, and I gotta get a vacuum. When I'm done here I'm going to Publix or Walmart get some groceries. Hell I might go to bombolini's to get that avocado sandwich on a croissant. I'm grateful for my life. To have the money to buy these things, having my own apartment, my health, God is beyond good to me. And I'm complaining about being alone. Complaining about a feeling of loneliness, but God is with me.
11:03am- well that was a waste. They don't even have anything I need. So I'm going to bombolini's then Walmart. Then going home to get things in order. I'm going to clear out my house. Get rid of a bunch of stuff. That might help me clear my mind.
11:55am- I spend a lot of time thinking. Contemplating and trying to understand. An the more I think about this woman the more I think to myself. What's wrong with me? Why do I miss her? She literally said I can't see a future with you. Literally said she doesn't want to live together or buy a house together. So why the fuck am I hurt? Why am I so bothered? Is it like mer said, my ego is bruised that she doesn't want to make a life with me? My ego bruised that she locked off after to her? Although I deleted her contact info and all her associates. I did most things right with her. I told her when she did something I didn't like, I let her in emotionally and mentally. I took time daily to try and learn new things about her. Tried spending as much time with her as possible she literally wanted to spend her time doing other things. It's like what's wrong with me that I'm stuck on this person who was not good to me? The sex was decent enough, I enjoyed it. But it wasn't mind blowing. Communication was lack luster, couldn't tell her how I feel or talk about the same thing twice. I mean this girl was NOT the best girlfriend I ever had. But still yet I yearn for her. For the possibility of a life with her... Is it how easily our lives would fit together? How she has Vanessa birthday how she has a daughter and I always wanted one how she lives close to me how we work together? Am I looking to hard into that? I don't believe in coincidences that maybe they are real. Maybe it is just a bunch of random stuff happening in the world in our lives in the universe. Maybe none of it actually means anything.
12:25pm- I'm home now and it's like I wanna take a nap. I wanna lay down and go to sleep. The boys got groceries so they'll be ok and I need to clear my mind. I gotta stop thinking about this woman.
12:33pm- I kinda want to crawl into a hole. Teleport away... Like Mer said, what about all the pieces of your lives that doesn't fit together.... I been trying to muscle through it but it's ok to feel how I'm feeling. To go through this hurt and pain to make it to the other side.
12:49am- omg 😍🥰😍
but maybe it's a coincidence. Maybe it's not a sign from God or some divine message the Lord is sending me... I'm going to share what Mer said to me. Got me thinking.
maybe she's right... I need to seriously take time for me. No women no sex no alcohol or drugs. Learn me learn to love me. THEN maybe God will send me a woman who really likes me and I'll really like her.
No comments:
Post a Comment