days like this

5:22am- holy crap, I can't remember the dream but I remember how I felt she I was scared. This is the third night in a row I had a dream that made me feel afraid. Yesterday I dreamt of my mom but this time I was like in jail and afraid of dying or something. It was crazy. I don't feel tired this morning but I don't feel super awake either. I think instead of 10 I'm more of a 9 o clock bed time guy. 

6:18am- see I was tossing and turning 

i think everyone should be tracking their sleep. It's apart of understanding yourself. Sleep is such a important part of our health. Mentally and emotionally. It's a major factor. You want that deep sleep and rem sleep. You need it. 

11:35am- oh I gotta get new car insurance. Progressive is tripping. They keep trying to charge me an extra $500 and telling me I'm making changes. I ain't making no damn changes to my car insurance. Plus state farm said they could do $800 for 6 months so I'm done with progressive when my time for renewal comes. I spoke with my realtor and tomorrow we looking at houses. So I'm excited about that. I'm ready for this. Today should be a decent day. Probably get off around 5-6.

11:53am- a good active week. 

i need to do those at home workouts. I gotta exercise daily get my heart racing daily. An get my weight above 160, keep it between 160-170.

2:01pm- 😭😭😭 I still think about her everyday... Her daughter birthday is in November and I thought about buying a gift and sending it. But it's like the papi birthday just passed and she didn't send anything or call. No nothing so why should I? Because I'm a real lover. Unlike her, I actually love her. I want to show my love, show my feelings. But that's dumb, fucking girl probably fucking someone new. Found her a new dude to suck on. Ugh she so dumb. I hate thinking about it whatever it don't matter. So I paid my rent up to December. If I find a house by then and I get it. Omg that would be so awesome. I'm excited to go looking tomorrow.... It would've so nice if me and her was house hunting Together. If we was buying our first home together. Working on our first child with each other. Ugh... I still love her and I don't want to. 

5:56pm- God is good all the time. And everything happens for a reason... I'm working again this Sunday. Which is good I guess because I want the money. But my heart immediately started that fluttering stuff. I felt anxious thinking about if I'll see her. I hope not, I legit never want to see her again in my life. Like people don't get how much I wanted to be with her. How much I love her. An again I know that's dumb because she treated me like shit. And clearly she doesn't want to fix this or even try... But I am a human, a person who feels deeply. My understanding of the reality of what we're doing makes me painfully aware of the traumas and grief and emotional destructiveness of being alive. Ugh I wish she would never cross my mind again... Plus honestly working Sunday makes it hard to look at houses. Like I only have one day a week to look at the inside of houses. That's annoying, but it's God will. If she's there it's God will. I'm not going to talk to her, not even going to look at her. She didn't destroy me but she really hurt me.... She destroyed the old me, this version of me is different. 

7:35pm- let's go do laundry. Then maybe do the podcast. Cause she playing, acting like I'm supposed to drop everything to make an episode. Like girl I text you when I'm free and instead of jumping on and doing it. Nope she busy smoking and bull shiting. Well to bad, cause I got a life of my own. 

9:22pm- a blast from the past.. I just ran into someone from Broward. I ain't seen her in years. 10-17 years. 

10:58pm- I think God legit wants me get over her.