7:15am- I don't know why I get these sudden urges to reach out to this woman. Mind you she has me blocked. So no way for me to have contact. I mean I could email her, write her a letter and mail it, or show up to her house. But for what? I feel like if God wants us together she'll reach out to me. She wouldn't have blocked me locking off communication with her. I wonder if that looks l loneliness is taking over again. As I try to conquer one thing about myself another thing comes up. My desire to share life with someone. Makes me feel desperate. Ugh, I'm pray on it. Pray that God will will be done. Whatever the Lord has for my life. Give me the strength to accept it and maintain it.
7:28am- absolute moment of weakness. I called and left a message. Life is short and honestly the easiest thing for anyone to do in a relationship is walk away. Although there are times when you need to walk away. When it's better to leave a situation. You might be able to go back later and things are different. But sometimes you really do need to walk away completely and leave that alone. I'm pretty sure this is one of those moments. She blocked me, she don't want to fix nothin. She's happy with being done.
7:43am- I don't feel dumb for reaching out to her. Love is powerful, a feeling of loneliness and fear are real things. They seriously affect our thinking and overall moods. I reached out and left a voice message. I'm sure she won't check it and certain she won't respond. So I think later today when I go to do laundry I'm get rid of this stuff I have. I'll give it away to donation. It is hurtful, but it's God will. Gotta have faith that God will and is in control of my life.
8:12am- anything to distract the mind. To forget the love I lost.
8:47am- I've been praying in my mind for God to show me the path. Above anything I gotta get closer to the Lord. To find that peace of mind and heart I'm looking for. I hit up Jessica today. I apologized for how I acted the other day. I been treating that girl bad since the day I met her. I told myself if I ever could I would give her a real chance. Give us a real chance. Now she was always good to me. Even when I was shit to her. Ugh what's wrong with me? 😭🤔😭.
9:49am- I feel pretty good actually... I haven't been drinking any alcohol for about two weeks now. I'm yeah I think I'm definitely done drinking. Shit I've even lost fat and been building muscle. I can tell because my fat percentage is dropping but my weight is still the same. I want a distraction from this sense of loneliness. Although only God can fulfill this emptiness.
11:02am- what am I really doing with my life. Ugh I think they called her to come work where I'm at. I'm not expecting to ever see her again in my life. I have no idea what's happening to me.
1:17pm- I woke up feeling good and some how I became emotional just doing a bunch of fuck shit today. It's going to be a long day at work today. I need to focus on that and let go of these thoughts.
4:47pm- okay so I reached out to Jessica which I know was a bad idea because the girl doesn't even talk to me unless it's on social media, in which case that's about the only contact that she's willing to give me. What's wrong with me. I like her and want. Her but she don't want me. Always with the wanting those who don't want me bullshit.
7:09pm- I just got off. I reached out today when my heart was hurting and didn't really get a reply. I'm going home to try an relax.
8:12pm- I had an emotional day today.... That's another reason I stop drinking. I feel my emotions out of wack. Out of balance. I feel all over the place. So I stop drinking.. but it's not enough. I gotta stop all mental alternating substances. So these CBD gummies I got the other week. I gotta let that go as well. Full on sober is what I need to be. Maybe then my emotions will regulate themselves and I'll have a sense of balance.
8:43pm- I really have lost my way. Lost who I am. Cause it's like what am I doing for real? When did I become this person? I used to never care, literally do whatever I want say whatever I want. People come and people go. That's ok... But now.... Now....I actually value my connections to others.... I'm in a funk and it's not just because I broke up with my girlfriend two weeks or so ago. I feel just off. Just blah and ugh.... I want peace, I want happiness. I think it's my spirit that's out of wack...
those are the books I need to listen to daily. I gotta get back into gear. I can't figure out why companionship has become this thing to me. I legit I want the distraction. I want to not think about all the things I want.... But than again Mer days meditate, learn to quite my mind and control when I quite it. Double down and buckle yourself in. What am I doing with my life with my time. I may stay up a lil and watch TV... I have to buckle down.... I've been staying off Twitter pretty good. I stop wasting my time doing crap and now I waste my time doing nothing. I need to actually do with my time. I'm sad y'all, depressed I think.
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