fear is crippling

9:34am- I been up since 7 something. I gotta let this girl go. I didn't reach out to her. This time I'm leaving her alone. I have things for her and offered to drop it off and she says no not yet. So apparently she wants to see me. I feel like she trying to drag me along. Like I'm her back to choice ... But honestly I'm realizing I'm not comfortable with just being with myself. Life without a partner and just being celibate. I always gotta have a friend with benefits or a chick I'm flirting with. But this time I'm be ok with just being alone and focusing on my goals. 

1. Buy a house

2. Get bachelor's degree

3. Buy a used Tesla

4. Make $100,000 a year solo

5. Build brand (YouTube, books, movies, tufting) 

6. build self (learn languages, healthy living & body)

This is what I really want, what I really need in my life. My whole life will change as I pursue this version of myself who has these things. 

10:35am- he's getting his hair done... The whole time as I drive pass cars I'm looking for her. Always looking to see her to want to be around her. It hurts but I got to let her go. If she comes back I'm ready to try again. If she doesn't I'll accept it and keep pushing forward. I'm try to get this last paperwork done for this thing. I'm so ready to start a new. To begin my next chapter of life. An I'm edit this next episode as well. God is good. 

11:00am- her daughter loves bluey. I came to get Jojo pants and saw this and wanted to buy it for her. But she's not my girl. her daughter is not my child. But man I miss her. Miss having a family. they got a whole section full of blue y stuff. She would've loved this stuff 😭😭.

12:29pm- damn I'm not ready for music...

this song broke me down. Fuck I miss mail...I wish she wanted what I want.

1:12pm- boom video is edited. I'm upload both and drop one today and do some filming Tuesday when I'm off. I feel good, the papi still getting his hair done. I think I'm watch Netflix or YouTube the rest of the day. I had a good day. 

2:24pm- boom Jojo hair cut as well....I really tried to force that woman to love me. Than got angry when she didn't want to...I gotta seriously work on myself.

3:23pm- baby boy hair looks good too... Man I miss this girl. But I can't reach out. I can't talk to her. Because I deserve to feel secure. I deserve to be with someone who wants me to feel good about us and them. And mail doesn't think she needs to change. She literally makes me feel insecure with her actions and words. I deserve good love. And I believe God will give it to me. But I have to wait, I have to be ready. I just need to focus. Focus on my goals and cut out distractions and people. 

5:18pm- 

7:25pm- I'm scared of the future... Scared of doing it alone. And scared of having no safety net. But I don't have a choice...I think the next few days I'll leave my phone on DND.