ugh

6:25am- I tossed and turned almost all night. That shit was ridiculous... I'm anxious and nervous and emotional about everything happening in my life... I feel guided but lost at the same time. It's like what am I doing? But at the same time I know what I'm doing where I'm going. With my life, and again I'm so grateful to God for this life I'm living. For everything happening to me. I guess I'm just scared and hurt to go it alone. To be doing it by myself... I feel like I have no safety net. It's literally just me one all by myself. I'm nervous and scared about that. I saw this and thought of mail. 

i did speak to get yesterday. She going to tell me she don't want to work things out right now. So I'm like is there someone else. And she says no... Than it's like well then why aren't we working it out? Like this is bullshit, this isn't what I envisioned for us. This isn't how things are supposed to be. But it's like Joseph fucking stop. Stop and let her go. Like seriously just leave her the fuck alone. But the more I talk to her the more I'm like yeah, I have to let her go. She isn't on what I'm on, she ain't looking to settle down and be with family. She still on that bars and club shit. An it's like for what? But as long as I leave that door cracked. God won't send me a wife. Like I told her, I'm not looking for a girlfriend, and I'm tired of being a hoe and fucking hoes. I'm looking for a wife, I'm tryna settle down and live with my partner and eat healthy and exercise together and live life together. Having fun and going through ups and downs together. That other shit is nothing. I hate this for myself, that I keep reaching out to her. I keep trying. I hate this for me. 

9:20am- crypto is mother fucking pumping. Yes Lord!!! 

7:23pm- today was a good day. I thought of mail... She's so annoying. I still love her and want to be with her. But I'm leave her alone.