6:50am- I can definitely be honest with myself. I want a girlfriend/wife so I can feel more complete. It’s like I want a distraction, when I was with E I didn’t really think about having more doing more. I wanted to earn more money and accomplish my goals but it wasn’t that important. I really just wanted to be with her, learn more about her. An it’s like that’s what I want again. The distraction from my own goals and desires and what not. An that’s the problem…if I was with a woman who cared about what I was doing and was motivating like babe you haven’t made a video. Or you wrote a book let me read it. Oh you said you was going back to college, hows school going? Like a woman who cares and is interested. But than again it’s like if she got her own life she living how can she be worried about me? But at the same time if she ain’t doing shit than she should be. But if she aint doing shit than she really aint worried about me because she aint got nothing of her own going on so she won’t want to know what I got going on because it’ll be hurtful. Like a woman who is gaining weight because she just keeps eating and you’re hitting the gym and losing weight. She won’t like that after a while because it’ll be a reflection of her lack of self control and lack of doing anything. I think it’s the fear that makes me want to be distracted so bad. The fear of failure, fear of looking stupid fear of not achieving my goal. So I rather not try, I rather get a partner and just focus on them and be with them and let my dreams and aspirations die off. I live a great life and it’s like what more do you want or need? But it’s like I want more, I need more, I deserve more and I know for a fact I can have more. So why not? All I gotta do is work towards it…I think in the morings I’m going to use this time to do some writing as well. I’ll probably blog at the end of the day and during the day. But in the mornings I might just write some of my book. Yesterday I worked on my book of short stories. I think I’ll keep working on that, I might jump from book to book.
10:15- $275 to pump the septic tank.
2:20pm- I bumped into her fake cousin today on the route…man he cool as hell. But it hurt to be reminded that I may end up seeing her again. An God is preparing me. He's preparing me for the test. But it's like I'm not ready. I don't want to be over her and have nothing to hope for. I mean that's not true since I know God is going to send me a wonderful woman. Way better than her…but it's like when? How long do I have to wait? When is it my turn to be loved like how I love? Plus I don't wanna see her, she really fucking hurt me. She really doesn't want to grow or change. She wants to sit in her pain and sorrow. She wants to push me away and that hurts. Out sucking and fucking…just disgusting…I need my own woman. I want my own love. But I get it, I still got work to do. Work to do on me, work to better myself to heal my spirit and heart. Work to become the person I envision myself as so I can live the life I envision for myself. I never want to see her again. I really don't God. I don't want nothing to do with her. Don't want that temptation to talk to her. To ask her why she would choose to eat shit. Why would choose a shitty life shitty men choose to be trash. When all I want is for her to grow and develop and become better…I never want to see her again and I pray I don't and won't. Because I don't think I'm fully over the life we could've had not fully over the possibilities. An I don't think I'm ready to be over it. Especially since I have no one to love.
6:15pm- boom I volunteered to get the overtime. I'm not in a rush to go home. I have no wife waiting for me and I want all 3 January checks to be fat. I wanna pay off my debt and save some money. I'm work while I can and save my money. Tonight when I get off I'm going to home Depot to get the living room paint and to get my smart lights. I'm going to do my writing in the morning I think. But tonight I'll have to do it since I didn't do it this morning. It's like I'm lonely and scared but I know it's what's best for me. God got me. I'm just feeling impatient and not wanting to wait. I wanna be distracted by a spouse. By a wife…. My time will come I pray.
7:23pm- I'm not a Christian because I don't worship Jesus. I only worship God, but I really do like listening to pastors. I like listening to the prayer call Mesha sends me. It's powerful to hear people who believe in God speaking. I honestly would never be a Christian again because I love praying to one true God like what Jesus did.
8:23pm- I really do feel alone…I ain't got my own person I can call and talk to…well I was at home Depot getting the paint for this Sunday and a woman started talking to me. She said the dark colors make the room look small so maybe don't do two dark colors. So than I'm like ok maybe she's right. I'll go with a dark green and a lighter green. Because for my room I can do a dark green and light purple. But here's the colors I picked. It's still my mountain green.
9:34pm- get the paint, cook dinner, prepare for tomorrow. Now I'm going to shower and pray and do some writing before bed at eleven…. All while feeling lonely and sad. This is my life but it's building a better life for myself. My new book also came today.
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