😶‍🌫️🙃😔🫠🥀🥰😶🤢🤮

6:08am- I went from feeling anxious and scared of seeing her and getting angry at the idea that she won't try an fix this. To feeling sad and lonely that I have no one of my own. But it's like that's not true. I'm not alone, I have people I can talk to. My friends and cousin are almost always there for me to talk to and reach out to. It doesn't feel like enough but it's important I'm grateful for them. I'm laying in bed, I've been feeling just blah the last couple days…maybe that's the lesson I'm supposed to learn. How to control my emotions. Control my thoughts regardless of how I feel. Learn to push past what I feel and do what needs to be done. I kinda did that Saturday night when I got home. But yesterday was a day of rest. An now this week I think I wanna focus on YouTube, writing, and finishing fixing up the house. Once Jophiel wall gets fixed then we'll do the painting for the kids room. My room is last, but I wanna do the kids room. An I need to fix up my office as well. That's the next major project. 

8:52am- it's such a odd thing. I want to be over her. But still yet I want to be with her. It's such a hurtful thing. An it makes me want to never love again. I literally didn't bother that girl. I told her I liked her and wanted a relationship. Then I left her alone and one drunken night looking for Dick she hit me up. She knew I wanted more and she just wanted sex and i tried to force a relationship. Tried to prove why she should want a relationship and be with me. An I'm angry at her angry at myself. She told me time and time again. Proved she didn't respect me or our relationship. An still I want her. She's hurt and angry at the world. An still I want her…I hate this for myself. Hate the hurt I feel inside. Hate that I can't seem to let go and move on. Hate that I wanna run back to sex and weed to feel comfortable and ok with what I'm going through. I'm about to go to work. I'm hurt but so grateful to God that he's keeping her away from me. I'm so grateful to God that I don't have to see her. Because that would hurt me so much. I think it would break me.

10:27am- it's a easy day at work today…seeing everyone. Maria, Markesha, Syreeta. Made me kinda miss her. I really do wish she healed and wanted to make a life with me. But at the same time I don't want to be miserable. I want to be happy. I want a healthy relationship. I'm ready to go home and maybe do and filming. Work on some stuff. I miss her everyday and I pray she finds peace. 

10:31am- just as fast as I said that. My boss calls me to say someone dropped the route and now a 4 hour day turns into a 8 hour day. 

12:10pm- I got another audio book to try an help me figure out why I'm still stuck on this woman. Why I still feel hurt that I can't be with her. Hurt that I'm alone. Honestly I was ok before her. So why the fuck after her I'm so stuck and hurt. It's annoying. I'm still healing because healing is a life long process and I'm learning about myself and understanding who I am and what I want and who I want to be. 

so now I'm listening to this trying to figure out what's wrong. It's like I recognize she's hurt she is dealing with her own stuff. An I'm dealing with my stuff. I just gotta get it figured out. I'm doing great in other parts of my life but hurt and stuck in this sadness of feeling alone. Although I'm not alone. An I know I'm not alone. 

2:15pm- fuck it I'll help and stay longer. No rush to go home. And I'm getting paid. 

4:19pm- if she meant for me. She'll come back to me. The distance will show her how she truly feels about me. She'll see we're meant to be. Our spirits know each other from previous lives…I'm going home to cook some food. I should make a video but I'm not really feeling it. I need to get back into my writing. I need to start going home to either make videos or write. Nothing else. But because I'm in a slight funk. I'm going home to consume YouTube content…I might push myself to make a video and reward myself with watching YouTube. But I need to get back into writing. Storytelling is my art. 

6:53pm- I have to keep reminding myself. me going celibate, I stop drinking, I stop smoking. It wasn't for her. But she was a major part of me stopping. Because I got tired of the same old things. It's like I want different, I want to be different. I want to grow and live a good life. An honestly I realized a lot of the pain and hurt I did to her was easier to do because of the masking. The pushing down my emotions with these things. So I stopped doing those things. To show her and show myself that I'm different. I'm not the same. But yeah, I'm writing up notes for some YouTube episodes and I'm going to bed soon. An Maria said she ain't been going out a lot...but she is talking to some dude that she said she don't care about. So it's like why you doing THAT? That kinda hurt my feelings. Cause she still sucking and fucking.... But it's like Joseph if God wants you with her. You'll be with her. Cause that shit still hurts my feelings the thought of her actually letting another man fuck her. Like why would she do that to me. Ugh... I wanna be over her so fucking bad. SHE DOESNT WANT YOU JOSEPH!! 😭💔😭💔😭🥹🥲😎😭💔⚰️💀🤦🏿‍♂️