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3:57am- I really can't figure out how God is not a God of chaos and confusion but still yet most of us are confused about what we're doing with and in our lives. Like I can't escape the thought of why…why the fuck did that girl text me knowing she didn't wanna be with me. Why would she pretend for a year and four months to want a family and life with me knowing she just wanted dick. Than it's like oh Joseph God didn't do that to you. He gave you signs to leave her alone. He didn't do that to you. You did that to yourself. But all the good in my life. The house, the custody, the money in the bank. That's all God. So anything good in my life is all God his design good desire for me. But any bad is all me. I'm making bad choices. Because God don't do bad things. Because nothing is good or bad. It's like what the actual fuck. This heartbreak didn't bring me closer to God. Honestly it has me more confused than ever, listen has me questioning my faith. Like why would God give me trash women knowing in my heart I want to settle down and have a family. Why is he giving me women who just want sex. An can't be karma because God is forgiving. Because when I just wanted sex with these women I didn't lie. I would straight up tell them. This shit is just really hurtful and I'm so confused. I really don't know what's happening in my life. An why I feel this way. Why I allowed this. Why God allowed this. Why I can't just get my person and live my life. Like what the actual fuck man. Shit really makes me want to say fuck it and just live a physical materialistic lifestyle. Like fuck that spiritual shit. Fuck these bitches cause they ain't worth shit but a place for my hard dick. And get as much money as I can. That's literally what my mind keeps telling me. Everyday it's like bro. Just fuck hoes and get money and stop all this settle down marriage talk. These hoes are trash. 

4:17am- like legit how can you have someone who believes in God. Believe in being a good person and tries to be good to people. Talk life into people. Show kindness and helpful to people. An God allows someone to hurt them so deep that they question their faith in God. Not only does he allow you to get hurt by this person. He then forces you to go through the healing process alone while the person who hurts you is allowed to move on with they life like nothing ever happen. What type of loving merciful God is that? Why would he allow a non-believer to hurt a believer. Why would he let this girl who literally hurts everyone she comes in contact with keep going around hurting people. Like the fuck is that about. 

4:38am- let me show you how real God is. I been feeling it this car ride. As I sit with myself without consuming any audio book, music, or YouTube. This is the message I got from the faith group chat I'm in. 

so I'm to be patient... He's moving. He's making moves. The non-believer didn't get over on me. God is doing something big in my life. I'm to be a bit more patient and endure the pain a bit longer. How long? I have no idea. But I pray and beg God. Not much longer, and please please please. Continue to give me signs and strengthen me. Because I'm so weak. I feel so weak. I admit I'm so weak. This has been such a big test of my faith lord. I don't know how much more I can endure. 

9:51am- so my couch is a little shorter than I expected. But it's nice, it's the right length for the living room. I definitely need a rug though to bring together the space. But I like it. An I need to mount my TV to the wall. I got a lot of things to do to the house. 

6:02pm- I played video games almost all day. Hung out with my kids. Is been a good weekend. I'm about to go to bed. I'm tired and because I've been sitting with myself for long periods of times. I'm super emotional. I've been feeling like reaching out to her. But it's my ego. My ego what's to ask her. Are you happy? Is this really the life you want to live? Like is this what you imagined for us when you texted me that night? But that's my ego. Only way for us to be together. She has to change she has to want to be with me. She has to want to grow. Ugh …it was a good weekend. I gotta really really focus my mind and energy and push through these feelings. Push through this hurt. Cause I'm hurt y'all, seriously I'm going through it. I keep talking to God trying to figure out what was the purpose of meeting her. The purpose of the last year and 4 months with her. Like the purpose of being forced to leave a woman I loved so hard. A woman i wanted to marry. What was the purpose God. Cause fuck it hurts. Im tired I'm emotionally tired.