🥱😶🫠🙃🙄

6:22am- it’s not that I’m not happy. Because I’m happy within my own skin, happy with the life that I've built for myself. My house, my money, my degree, certifications, my physical appearance. I mean I’m legit happy within myself. But externally. I have no external happiness. It’s definitely not my kids, as they do things DAILY to absolutely piss me off and get under my skin. I have no woman who my own to lean on with my daily life troubles or joys. An you can talk to God but he does not speak back with his voice. So essentially you’ll be talking to yourself. An it’s either you ego you are talking too or your inner child if you’re lucky and attuned with self. I don’t know I feel like I need to take a moment for myself. I need to slow down and just relax. Try to enjoy these moments of life I have. Because I wake up thanking God for feeling good. Then suddenly I feel reminded that I’m alone. That I have no partner of my own. That I’m building up material wealth and financial wealth for what? An those thoughts are the thoughts that make me angry, make me sad, make me want to lash out and just give up on it all…on another note I actually still feel a bit tired. Although I went to bed around 6-7 last night I think. Yeah it says I slept for ten hours. But I feel a little tired right now. I'll definitely start going to bed around nine or ten or so. Also I’m off tomorrow because I gotta take Jophiel to the dentist again. So I think I’m try to get my taxes done tomorrow as well. I’m gathering all the papers tonight. Mortgage, w2, and boys & girls club write off. And I’m see how much this lady can get me. I hope and pray it’s 5k or better. Preferably 8k. 

10:13pm- self love…that's what I'm missing. That's what's making me care so deeply about a relationship. It has to be. 

10:35am- I really don't see how I don't have self love. I do so much to increase my worth to myself and to the world. I help and protect others from the hurt and pain I've known and experience all my life. I walked away from this woman I loved because I knew I wouldn't be able to grow if I stayed with her. I fight the urge to reach out to her because I love myself. It's like what the fuck. At this point I'm looking for any rm reason to understand why I'm going through this. This hurtful hurtful pain. I been sitting with myself for hours and days. That's self love. I just don't get it. And God hasn't given me an answer either. It literally make me doubt my own sprit. My own intuition. 

7:51pm- I don't know. I feel ready for a relationship. I feel ready... Financially and mentally and emotionally. It's like I understand how to love. How to personally grow as an individual and how to grow with another person. How to keep myself without falling into another person. But I won't know until I'm in a relationship. We can think we're ready but than get into a relationship and boom. Everything we thought we knew we let go. It's like I want that fulfillment. Not because I need it. But because I just want it. The challenge the distraction the sense of purpose. The blending of personalities and time and energy. The personal growth a relationship gives. I want that…also I went back to listening to audio books. I think I'm listen to one everyday at work. I won't buy anymore. I got a good collection. I can learn a lot relistening to them. I'm sticking to the growth journey. I just gotta stick to the now. I'm about to shower pray meditate and go to bed.