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6:11am- last couple days I been waking up naturally closer to 5. That's going to be the goal. To get up and start the day around 5am. It's actually better for me. I can get in my bike ride longer. Right now I'm just doing 5 mins every morning. I've been consistent so far with it. The goal is to do 15-30 mins every morning. The bike ride gets the heart pumping. Get the blood flowing. Train my mind to start the day with something hard. A physical win the seat hurts though. So I need to figure out how I can get a softer seat. Probably need a wider one. I need to call Jophiel dentist as well. Them people ain't get back to me yet. I got a few things I need to do. This Sunday I need to build the boys dressers as well. Those came in the mail also. 

11:14am- anytime I catch myself wanting to think about her or a relationship. I ask myself why? What would I be doing differently from right now if I was in a relationship? What am I running from? What do I not want to feel or think about? What am I avoiding? An answers pop up. An it's my ego Everytime. It's fear. It's doubt. It's me wanting to be distracted from the inner work, from working on my book, me not wanting to feel bored. Not wanting to feel like I'm not enough. But it's like Joseph. You are enough. You're doing so good in life. You're not taking the time to appreciate all God has done for us. All he's allowed. It forces me to have gratitude. 

2:10pm- I don't know why but the last hour or two I've been feeling it. Feeling sad, feeling hurt, feeling angry …I feel tired as well, like I wanna nap but I think that's the candy I've been eating…I'm not sure why my heart been aching my stomach is in my chest and my thoughts been racing bringing up emotions I thought I dealt with and hurtful memories. My mind telling me shit about I'm be single forever God don't want me to be happy. But that's my kind speaking. And I know that…but still yet I feel the hurt passing through me. Lingering for a bit…I gotta get back to listening to my affirmation loop. I feel my old self clinging on fighting the change. 

3:06pm- people change and grow at their own pace. Since I met 23 I told her go to school, get your life together. Be better…she ignored me, drank, smoked, clubbed, and fuck men. An today she took her test to get back into college and is going to school. I'm actually really happy for her. Took her 3 years to see I was right, but I'm happy she's taking the steps to get her life together. To be a better mother, a mother daughter, a better person. Her new man probably much more gentle with her than I was. I don't know but I'm happy she's taking those steps. 20 should have her bachelor's degree by now probably getting her master's. She believed in school never stopped. She going places in life if she can heal that hurt inside her and open up to love and personal growth. She'll be so much of a better woman. But hey I'm not fucking either of them and barely talk to 23 and don't talk to 20 at all. An I'm happy with that. I know what I want and I'm waiting on God to send her. He's taking really fucking long, but driving time is perfect time .. Right?

3:52pm- ever since Maria told me mail drives a equinox I see those cars every fucking where.

7:04pm- my TV mount came early. I been home trying to mount my TV. I keep having to go outside and get tools to put it up. That drill set she got me for my birthday or Valentine's I can't remember. It's coming in handy. But I ain't got no 6mm drill bit so I can't finish it tonight.

8:25pm- ugh what an annoyance, I'm going back to home Depot. I got the drill bit but don't have the piece to go into the other part. So I'm going back now to get it. I wanna get this done tonight man. 

9:47pm- so boom tv mounted and I'm getting my living room right. Tomorrow I'm have the boys order they wallpaper and we'll start getting they room right. I got their dressers. I gotta put them together. But fuck I'm happy about my tv. I should've put the LED light under the TV. God is good, I'm getting my house in order and setting it up so nice. When my wife comes over she'll fall in love with not just me but the house and move in and we'll save our money and buy a bigger house and live so good. Have a child maybe two. And grow old dealing with life together. 

10:40pm- an I knocked out a little Spanish

I'm going to bed now. God is good, my wife would be proud of everything I'm doing and how focused I am. She'd snuggle me up with kisses and good love. I can't wait 😁🥰😁