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7:35am- I can not make my kids talk to me. I can not live their lives. I can only offer my love offer my assistance. Explain to them that I'm a person to. I'm living life just like them. I'm trying to figure this thing out just like them. It's like something is going on with them. But they say nothing to me. So it's nothing I can do. An I'm not going to stress myself over their lives. I'm not going to kill myself for my kids. Yeah I'll leave that to stupid parents retarded parents and people who think that's what love is. Love changes, love is growth. Love is living for someone. Adjusting your behavior for someone. That's love, that's true love. Plus again I'm struggling with my insecurities with my desire for a life partner with my faith that God is leading my life. But I spoke to him and offered my love and assistance again. And he'll make his own choice. You know I'm not unhappy being single. Being alone. I'm unhappy with the thought that I don't have to be but God chooses that for me. Because it's like as a man who wants to get married and settle down and grow with someone. Why the fuck do I keep meeting hoes? Why do I keep running into girls. Into immature people? Than it makes me think. It's something about me. It's gotta be me. But now I'm different and now instead of hoes and girls. I simply get nothing at all…but nothing is better than getting what I don't want. Let's get this day done. Today I woke up feeling just blah. Feeling like what's it all for. What's the purpose of this pain. Why would God send 20, 23, and mail. Knowing they wasn't going to be what I wanted and was only going to hurt me. Like why would he give me trash. When I've been praying and begging for better. Like what am I doing wrong? It feels like my life is falling apart. But when I look at my life. It's getting better. I have a house, money, peace, and stability. But I'm not happy, I'm not excited about the future, I'm not comfortable or content. An nothing externally will provide me with that. But I can't figure out how to get it internally. 

12:37pm- Monday to fix the hot water heater. I wonder if it's because I turned the temperature way up. Whatever, I'm reset it when I go home. The guy just called and told me how. 

5:02pm- get these kids and go home. I found the rug I want too. And this girl FINALLY decided she leaving her shit head boyfriend. But I ain't no rebound so I gotta wait. But I like her, an I would totally date her. 25 no kids and GORGEOUS face. I mean beautiful black woman. She love God she wants to be better working on her business. Once she do some healing. If she wants me, oh yeah I'm go head and date her. I could totally see myself married to her. 

7:02pm- FUCK!!!! No hot water until Monday. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

9:06pm- I'm seriously not who I used to be. And soon my external will show what my internal is. I'm a new person.