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6:12am- I really am going to quantum leap. Training my subconscious. Because I don't want to die in this. I don't want this to be my life forever. I have to know what it's like to be loved the way I love. I know it's out there. An I can have it. But first I have to over come my insecurities, my fear of abandonment, I fear of not being enough. This desire to prove why I'm valuable. I have to tap into the power of now. The power of not controlling. I want more and I'm going to get it. Training my subconscious is apart of it. Controlling my mind to the point I can turn it on and off at will. Control my thoughts, every one of them. And live in the now in the immediate moment. Accept all things as they are. As they are now. I'll share with y'all one way I think I've seriously hacked training my subconscious. But I'm not done with the experiment. But I think it's working already 😁

7:46am- I am going to be with someone who wants to face their face. Someone who wants to be better. Who is willing to get out their comfort zone. Someone willing to go through the pain of change pain of growth. Someone willing and wanting to grow. I had to let her go because she didn't want that. Man I wanted to love her, wanted to build a life with her. But she didn't want to grow. An I had to walk away. I remind myself of this daily. Anytime I think of her or feel myself wanting to reach out to her. If she loved herself she would be with me. If she felt worthy of love she would be with me. She would be with me because I only ever wanted to shower her with love. Love her through her healing. Loving her would help heal me. That's my thought at least. I can't stop my life. I can't stay in the same place. My growth mindset won't allow me. I have to grow, I have to change. I have to be better. I think about this everyday. 

7:27pm- damn cold showers are rough…idk I been good the last couple days I think. But today I kept feeling hits of sadness. Like it would hit me then go away. I think I need to get back to making my videos. Sunday I'm probably play video games after I mount the TV on the wall. Organize the living room. Saturday night make some videos. Right now I want my workout bike but that's not happening. I want my hot water but that's not happening. So I'm take this cold shower then work on my audio affirmations loop. What I learned is you need to start your affirmations with specific mantras that correspond to the chakra you're trying to open. So…Each affirmation starts with this to open each chakra 

I am

I feel

I do

I love 

I only speak/see

I understand

An that's starting from the bottom to the top of your body. I also thought today that she was thinking of me. Missing me today. I felt like I could feel it. I told her (in spirit in energy) I'm still here. I still want her, all she has to do is decide to change. Decide she wants to grow and heal and be a family and change. An I'm right here. Like just call or text me and talk to me. Talk your truth. Talk your pain. But she didn't do it and she's not going to do it. An I think one of the final ways I have to face this pain to fully let go is to see her. To see her and feel the pain of feeling nothing when I see her. Look at her and feel absolutely nothing. An that's going to hurt. Because I used to look at her and feel my insides get warm. Feel my spirit pulling me to talk to her and smile at her. An I'm scared that when I do see her. I will feel nothing at all. An that's such a sadness to me. But whatever. Let's take this shower and deal with the crap. 

9:40pm- I finished my audio affirmations loop. Almost ten minutes long. But it's worth it. I'm ready to quantum leap. Ready to turn my peace to happiness. Because I have peace of heart and mind. But I'm not happy. An I want both and I can have both. I just need to get into that timeline. I need to get into the timeline where I'm my best self and with my life long partner. I'm about to go to bed.