A day in the life: March 2025

7:41am- it's about action. That's really the key. I have to take more action. Less thinking and planning and just take more action. Just do…also focus more on what I have. I have such an amazing life. I have so much more than the average person. But because I don't have one thing I feel sad. An worst is I can't have the one thing I want because internally I'm still traumatized. I'm still that sad broken boy. The child whose older brother ran away, mother abused, sexually assaulted in elementary school, toxic relationships in young adulthood, death all around me…I'm still that person. An it's like I have to shake that person off me. I have to let those things go. Because I'm not my past, I'm not my ego, I'm not my pain and trauma. The fact that I'm here means something. It matters…an it's like you can say all of this. An think it consciously. But if your subconscious doesn't believe it. If it's not a deep rooted belief or fact. You'll easily be stuck in patterns. Trapped in the same loop…I broke free from so many mental traps, mental pain. But still there is more to go. Which is why so many don't do it. They stick to their pain, stick to their toxic loops. But I don't want that for me. For my kids.

7:34pm- ok I'm bring back the JB personals. Because I wanna speak some of this stuff. An I think recording will help hold me accountable.

10:07pm- I think I wanna turn this into my video blog.

Tuesday, March 11, 2025

😮‍💨🙃😶

6:55am- it's crazy I know the routine to implement. The exact things and I have all the things to do it. And I've set up my environment to do it. But I lack the discipline or motivation or will power. It's hard to say which one it is. Although I know I am a person who can. Because I have. It's just sticking to it. An it's like why the fuck don't I stick to it? Like what the hell man. Idk, but this long weekend which is this Friday. I think I'm going to go see Ashley. She's 7 hours away, that is a days work drive. Get a hotel and just chill up there for the weekend. That's like when I get to GA to see Tina and Tanvi. This month I see Ashley. She next month I have no idea who I'll go visit.

1:38pm- yeah I'm get back to this cyber security. I think…no I'm going to leave the post office. I'm get some certifications and do some projects while if financial aid pays for me to get my bachelor's degree.

8:18pm- I gotta figure out what I'm so afraid of. Why I'm looking for distractions so much.

Monday, March 10, 2025

🤣😂😮‍💨🥱

5:39am- I dreamt I was in the club and someone threw a used condom. Maybe it was me. An it landed on a girl who started shouting. And I started laughing uncontrollably. Dream caught me off guard. I have no idea what that dream is trying to tell me.

8:37pm- Monday are long days at work. I'm now going home. I'm shower, eat, and lay down …but I think I'm going to change careers. I think I'm push past my fear. It's not just will power. It's the environment as well. I gotta get things right. I gotta do what needs to be done. Also I saw this on Twitter and I agree. Because I have 2 out of 3.

Sunday, March 9, 2025

GoBabyTrade March || Oohoo what's that?

🤷🏿‍♂️😮‍💨🫠

I was in a funk last couple days. I've been getting myself out of it. But patience and understanding. At this grown age I'm learning to regulate my emotions.

4:13pm- oh and I been fixing up my front garden.

i gotta find a before picture. This is the best before picture I could find.

you can see all the weeds between the plants. So what I'm do next day off. Buy more colorful plants and more mulch. And some gutters. And boom.

Thursday, March 6, 2025

🙃🙂‍↕️😶🤔🙃

5:03am- there are so many things I've learned about myself when I just really talk to myself and be honest. I really look for the easy way with everything. I barely put effort into anything and my feelings are hurt when things don't turn out how I want. I legit hate rejection and fear failure. So don't put in consistent effort. An that's what this journey is about. It's so much deeper than I can say right now. But it's like I finally see it. I finally see how much fear is actually inside me. How much I legit move from my ego. I've existed from my ego. An I don't want to live like that anymore. I don't want to be that guy.

6:50am- I'm go take him to the dentist. Then get my CDL back and if the lady emails me back I'm go to this interview. I might make videos Saturday night. Today I may just relax and watch a movie. Or do some writing for real. I've been sticking to writing in the morning. Get it over with. I wake up, exercise, drink water, journal, check my budget. Then boom start the day. Send out my morning text to my family and friends around 5:30. That's around when I respond to them as well. Because my phone is on DND. I've legit not been checking my Twitter, text, phone calls, or watching YouTube. I just sit with myself. Sit with my thoughts and emotions. Listen to my affirmation loop. I'm relisten to my audible books.

12:44pm- my baby boy survived and did good. Today I feel emotional but I'm still sitting with it. Sitting with myself…I also realized it doesn't matter who I'm with. I'm always going to feel this insecurity inside me. It's something I have to conquer. Something I have to get over. I realized my past pain has really molded me. It's really turned me into a person of constant fear. Hurt them first, leave them first, prepare for them to leave…I don't want to be a pessimist but it's hard not to be. It's definitely my mind my ego. Constantly saying plan and maneuver. Be ahead of others don't get caught off guard. Always have my guard up. But I'm not my past, I'm not my pain. I am. I am being. I exist in the vastness of nothing. That means something.

3:50pm- I have been feeling so aimless today. Like I got home and I should’ve went and got my medical card for my CDL but I said fuck it. I started doing laundry then I did a little yard work. Nothing major literally just lite yard work. An I feel so aimless. I want to open my text but it’s like for what? To talk to people? For what? To distract me…but distract me from what? Then I realized I feel like I have no purpose. When I go to work I feel purpose because I’m doing something tangible. I’m working…but when I’m home it’s like I do whatever I want to do. An what I want to do is spend time with someone. I think really what I’m saying is I desire a family. A life partner and maybe even a new baby. I think for sure I want a baby. Whatever I need to distract myself.

8:38pm- my fear and insecurity is my own.

Wednesday, March 5, 2025

😶☺️🙃🙂‍↕️

6:13am- Day two of my complete fast. I’m expecting to hear something from God. some type of sign or message. Something is supposed to appear to me though. I should get a clear message from God. because I have no distractions. No more noise or problems in my life. Now it’s just me, my kids, and God. no one else. I’m not talking to anyone or reaching out to anyone. By the end of this month by her birthday I expect to hear something. I wanna hear something from God. because I still have feelings for her and I need to understand if I’m supposed too. Or if I simply have a problem. Also my cousin sent me a book that I’m going to start reading. After work is when I read and in the morning is when I write, exercise, and journal.

6:50- when I say I’m on a fast, I’m talking no text or phone calls. My phone is on DND mode. I’m going to leave it like this until the end of the month. I gotta figure out why I don’t want to be alone. Why I want a relationship so bad. Is it that I want to be distracted? So this is my chance. No distractions and becomes ok Joseph lets see what you do. Lets see if you get anything done. Plus I feel like if I do this God will speak to me. He will tell me something, give me a sign about the path to take. Show me what I’m supposed to do, what I’m supposed to learn. Clearly I’ve not learned something thus my life is a repeat of what it’s always been. So it’s like what the actual fuck. Just show me lord, tell me what the fuck is going on. I haven’t been praying, because it honestly feels useless to pray. It feels like God doesn’t answer prayers..but then it’s like bro look at your life. How can you say that. You have your health, you have wealth, you have a stable job, your children are safe and healthy. How can you say God doesn’t answer prayers? Why because you want a wife and he hasn’t given her to you. An you want her for what? To distract you from doing anything. You just want to be able to tell someone all your great ideas and desire and never actually work towards them. Because someone will say, oh wow what a great idea. Like I walked around saying i’m going to buy a house but never did and knew I kept making excuses because I was scared to buy it alone. Scared to do it by myself. But I did it and that counts for something. An it’s like yes, it means we can do things alone. We can do everything alone and be ok. But it’s like I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to do anything alone. I want to do life with someone. I want to do life with a partner. I don’t know what the fuck is going on man. I gotta just go through this period. Go through this alone time. So my phone is on DND and only my boss and the DCF people can call me. An that’s how I’m going to leave it for a while. Until I feel like yeah let me check back in with people I care about and love. An whoever is there when I come back is meant to be in my life. An whoever is not is not meant to be in my life…I did think about Jessica(20) today. I would’ve married her, she was a sweet girl. She just didn't want to change. Hell Edith (mail) don’t want to change. It’s like all I meet is women who don’t want to change. Does that mean I don’t want to change? But pretend that I do? Act like I do? Say that I do? But I have changed…I have done the work to be different. So that can’t be right.

3:08pm- I think I get it .. I've always been so focused on other people. How others see me how they treat me how they see my value. I never actually sat and realized it doesn't matter. I always react to how others treat me and I get angry. But it's not about others. That's what self love means. It's like I always tell Jophiel. Just be you. Regardless of who other people are. Just be you. If they're mean and nasty and you want to be kind and loving towards them. Do that regardless of them. Because you're doing it for you. Unless you're doing it for them.

4:51pm- yeah man I'm done trying to control and be someone else. I'm just be me. Say what I feel, reach out to people. Speak my truth. I'm supposed to have an interview tomorrow but doubtful that that'll happen. The lady didn't email me back. But I'm get my CDL information. I'm gotta get the fun back into my life. Back into my time.

6:02pm- the constant back and forth of my faith. Of my heart can be annoying. But it's also a sign that I'm not aligned. I'm not doing or speaking or focusing on what matters. I'm not being the real authentic Joseph. An that's who I want to be. I'm about to go buy a cigarelo and some kava. I'm in a good mood and want to indulge my old self. My lower frequency. I don't even have the urge to smoke but I'm going to force myself. It's like I just realized something I never knew but did know. I can't force anything. Everything is out of my control. I have to literally just go with the flow. Go with the flow. So now I'm just going to be me. I'm just going with the flow. I'm go get some kava.

Tuesday, March 4, 2025

😮‍💨🤔🙃🥲

5:01am- I dreamt I spoke to her. She said she never fucked him. We spoke about us and life and making it work.

5:46am- I really do lack faith…but oddly I was feeling good before. I was ok before. An then seeing her on sunday all of a sudden I feel so weak. I feel like shit. I feel like God has forsaken. It’s like why? Why was I feeling good before and now I’m all fucked up and not feeling good. Now I feel abandoned by God. I feel lost and angry and confused. I feel like how I felt when I first broke up with her. It’s like bro, why did God do this? Why did God bring this girl in my life. Just to fucking hurt me? Just to break my heart and leave me like this? Than it’s like ok I’m applying for different positions and that’s not working out. So it’s like what the fuck is happening in my life for real. ugh….Tina is supposed to come at the end of the month. That will be nice to spend some time with her. Jewels said she’s coming at the end of the month as well. Which would be cool as well. I’m going to take the friday off to spend that time with Tina. I’ve been doing good so far, no twitter no youtube. I wanna take this month and stay focused. This month I wanna reset my mind and really train my brain. Ever since seeing her I feel that hurt again. It’s not as strong but it’s there. An yesterday I laid it all on the line. I told her how I feel and I don’t think she read or listen to the messages. But I told her I need a response by her birthday. An if I don’t hear from her by then than I’ll let her go for real. I’ll never speak to her again. Because it wasn’t awkward when I saw her sunday I just felt sad. But I’m not going to be cordial and for me if anyone mentions her I’m on some fuck her type shit. But I don’t know…honestly I have no idea what’s happening in my life. Like no joke this shit feels like straight trash. Which is such a sad way of seeing my life. When I have so fucking much. Easily over 10k in investments, a house I can afford, a stable job and income, good health, my kids are smart and in good health, I have a car, I have friends and family who love me. It’s like I have such a good life, just an awesome life. An I have peace, peace of heart and mind…but still yet I’m sad, still yet I feel like I’m missing something. Still yet I feel like I don’t have something that’s really important. I feel like I lack…an that’s such a sad hurtful feeling. Because it’s like I don’t…but I feel as though I do. I fucking sent her a 30 minute voice note…what a loser I am…but it’s like that’s me I needed to say everything I needed to give her the chance to fix this. The chance to really try. An if she doesn’t reply if she doesn’t reach out. Then I have to let her go. This would be the ultimate sign. This is it. I laid my truth on the table I told her how I feel and what I want. An if she chooses to ignore it it’s a clear sign she’s not for me. It’s a clear sign we are not meant to be together. It’s a clear sign to say fuck her, she’s legit trash and would rather eat random dicks than settle down. So we’ll see…because what person woman or man. Would turn down the opportunity to be with someone who treats them good, wants to be a parent to their child without a parent, fucks them good (her words not mine), buys them things, wants to build a life with them. And she finds me physically attractive. So she likes me and wants me but doesn’t want to commit to me. So this is it. If she doesn’t make that choice than it shows that yes, she would rather be a hoe than settle down. And I will have to accept that. Like legit I will have to accept that she would rather fuck a different dude every couple weeks than settle down with one person. An it’s her life not mine.

8:08pm- I don't know how I feel. But I think I feel sad. I know I still love her and don't want to let her go. But feel it in my gut that I have to let her go. I'm going to fast and pray a lot. No YouTube, no Twitter, no texting, no phone calls. just me and my thoughts. I have to know if I'm supposed to keep showing her love until she realizes she deserves it.

Monday, March 3, 2025

😮‍💨😶🫠

5:05pm- I gotta keep up with my blog…listen man, seeing her yesterday hurt me deep. That shit cut me. Had me confused and absolutely in my feelings. Just totally distraught. But I'm feeling better now. I spoke to her and spoke my truth. An I feel better. An honestly I realized I'm the type of person who needs to talk. I need to say what I need to say. Especially if I feel I have something to say. I don't want to live with regrets. Live with what ifs. I want to live a life of being me. Showing love because I'm a loving guy. Showing kindness because that's what I want to do. Is like I always tell my son's. Just be you. Regardless of who others are. Just be yourself.

6:17pm- Thursday is a busy day. But it's good, I've been sticking to what I said this month. I've been working on my book. No YouTube. And today I haven't open Twitter once. Mer said some real shit to me today. I been through so much in my life but I've tried so hard to keep positive. I conquered my sex addiction. Got that monkey off my back and been keeping it off. After all my mother did to me as a child which still effects me to this day. I tried to get close and build a relationship and she played me. But I still forgive her. I'm caring for the child my baby mama had with another man while we was married. I went against my family for him. Like I've sacrificed so much and been through so much. An at some point God is going to reward me. He has too, like all my good deeds can't go unseen. God sees all and rewards those who do good works. An I've been doing that so my reward is coming. An it's like I'm only human. When I'm hurt I'm fucking hurt. Even Jesus said Lord why have you foresaken me. We all get weak. But it's what we do in those moments that matter the most.

6:30pm- my life has to mean something. I've tried to kill myself 3 separate times and I'm still here. I've met death more than once and I'm still here. Like all of this has to have some type of purpose. All this pain and suffering I've endure has to have meaning. And I'm holding onto faith. Choosing to believe I will find out soon.

8:07pm- in the end I know who I am. An I accept me for me and I'm be me. I have such an abundance in my life and so much love to give someone. My time will come and until then I'm focus on what I can control and that's it.

Sunday, March 2, 2025

🙃🙄😮‍💨

6:36am- ok so I did some writing last night. About ten minutes nothing long or crazy. But I did it. An I remember dreaming about being in jail or prison. That was strange. I was basically locked up. I'm not sure why and I don't remember seeing anyone I know. I just know I was in prison. I was in jail. I'm about to get up and start this day.

9:05am- ok let's go to work and see how good God is. I'm slightly nervous but it's like nah bro. God been showing us he hears our prayers he understands us he knows whats best. All this work I've been doing on myself matters it's amounting to something. I'm being rewarded for it. All my prayers are being answered and have been answered. I have to sit in the belief and not let fear and doubt consume me. I move regardless but I don't want it to consume me. Just feel through it. It comes I recognize it and it goes away. That's what I want. Goes away not to return again for that specific thing. Because I will be secure in my knowing.

9:40am- the old you will do EVERYTHING it can to stay alive. To consume your thoughts and heart. It will whisper things to you, trying to make logic for why you should remain the same. But you gotta push past that. You gotta know that if you stay on the path of growth. The old you will die and the new you will become your ego. Everytime you transform your ego will come into the new you. It will fight to stay the old you but it will slowly let go of that old self and embrace the new self. But you have to fight the urge fight the thoughts of your old self. Nothing wants to die, nothing wants to stop existing. And you have to recognize that and stay strong. Stay the path. Sitting in the knowing that God is giving you strength to endure. He gave you strength to think to change, strength to recognize your old self, strength to begin and continue the changing process. God did that for you, but you must continue the process. You must fight your old self. Knowing that the new self is what God wants for you. That's why he gave you the thought the idea. Your reward comes when you have fully stepped into your new self. As you exit your old self you'll see changes around you. You'll feel changes inside you. You'll hear changes in your mind. Those are your rewards the physical world will begin to shift but that's a time consuming thing. That's a slow grind and you can't look to that for confirmation. Your confirmation is your mental, your emotional, your immediate reactions and how others observe and interact with you. That's how you know you really are changing and you really are on the right path. You really are doing it. Like I tell everyone. You're allowed to be afraid. A bunch of people in the Bible were afraid. You are not allowed to be afraid and run away or be afraid and do nothing. That is not God. That is not acceptable.

12:15pm- God is not like us. He keeps his promises. He will reward us with our hearts desire. We strive in his cause, push for his will. Pray to him. Do acts of worship and offerings to him and God will reward us. An he'll reward us with our hearts desire. But you have to have faith and stay there. When the doubt and fear creep up keep on your path. Keep focus and soon you'll see.

2:00pm- this shit is trash and my faith is weak. I gotta take a break for a while. Because what the fuck was the point of all this?

Saturday, March 1, 2025

🙌🏿🙏🏿🥱

5:40am- I did the same thing last night. Went to bed late and woke up slightly tired. Not super tired but definitely not like I had a full night sleep…also I need a sleep journal. I've been having dreams but I can't remember them when I wake up. I barely remember how they make me feel. It's like just images and flashes. Let me get up and start my day. I gotta get my sleep schedule back in order.

7:23am- last night I was flirting with Shyan and I remember what she asked me. She said what don't you like? Because you seem pretty open to everything. An immediately I said I don't like women who don't want to grow. I don't like people who don't want to change. An like today I'm thinking about it. What don't I like? An then I start thinking of E and it's like yeah. I don't like that…she didn't like animals, I didn't like that about her. She don't like trying new foods or new things, I don't like that about her. She don't like talking to me or listening to me, I don't like that about her. She don't want to grow as a person or take accountability, I don't like that about her. As I started thinking about what I don't like. I realized I don't like her personality. I don't like her. She claim to love her mom but didn't wanna do anything to help her mom. Only give money nothing else. An only give money if she watched her daughter so she can go to clubs and bars. Like what are you doing? How is that love? An it's like well why do you want her back than Joseph? Is it the comfort of already have been with her? But it's also like I don't want her back. I've always been in love with her potential. In love with the glimpses of a actual good person that she showed. When she acted feminine towards me. When she spoke her mind openly, when she called me out on my shit, when she challenged my thinking and have her opinion, when she wanted family time, when she acted like a mom doing school work with the baby. I fell in love with the potential. The glimpses of a WOMAN. Not the girl she acts like constantly…but you can't be in a relationship with potential. You can't build a life with potential. Which is why I keep praying and have been praying. God heals her, God heals her heart so she can be her potential. Heal her so she can grow from a girl to a woman. An if it's God will, send her back to me healed. Send her back as a woman ready to give love and be loved. An I will cherish that woman and treat her right. Other than that, keep her from me until I've found my person. But I like Shyan, she got ambition, she has drive and desire for a better life, she's actively working towards it as well. And she talks an I like that. I asked her out to dinner, she said yes. In two weeks we can go out. So I'm like awesome, I like the sound of that.

10:10am- it's going to be a long day today.

1:28pm- I genuinely feel better practicing being me. Saying what I'm afraid of, saying what I want, saying how I feel. Just speaking my truth. I really enjoy it. I really like just being me. An at times I'm scared to be myself. Scared I'll be rejected or ostracized but it's like. That's God will. That's what God wants. Or it wouldn't have em happened. Being me openly and honestly can only lead to happiness. It can only end with me having the people in my life that like me for me. It'll only end with me having real genuine people around me.

6:50pm- I actually feel tired…I think I'm shower and go to bed.