do everything with intention

I know exactly what I want in this life. I know exactly how to get it. I move with intention. Everything I say to people is with intention. Every place I go is with intention. Knowledge gives power and power gives control. Control allows for your life to be what you want it be. 

- I wanted a house but I wanted to buy it with a partner. To buy a house with a wife... I didn't get to do that. Because I can't control who will be my wife. I can't make a woman see my value. See my worth. See how I'm better than any man she's ever been with or ever will be. That the very fact that I'm interested in her is a blessing to her. But in the end I bought a house. A 4 bedroom 3 bath. 

- I want a Tesla, a fully electric self driving car to be more obscure. It just so happen Tesla is the only brand that has the type of electric car I desire. I can buy a used Tesla right now for around $21,000-$25,000. I have the cash for that but I'm waiting for Tesla to drop the model 2 which is rumored to be $25,000 starting price. So I wait. 

- I want to make $100,000 a year after taxes. I'm already halfway there, a little over halfway there. I have an associates degree and I'm studying to get my bachelor's degree. That'll help me increase my income, but I am also going to get my CompTIA security+ certification which will get me around $70,000 starting and with experience I'll hit my $100,000 goal in about 3 years. I also have a class A CDL with all endorsements so I could do that as well. 

- I want a wife... Someone to share the up's and downs of life. A consistent sexual partner, a mother to my son's, an a mother to my future children. A person to talk to about my life goals and desires. Bounce ideas off of and speak about daily stresses and joys. Someone I'm physically attracted too and sexually compatable with. Someone who wants me and I want them. They choose me and I choose them. They respect me and I respect them. Someone I can pour into and she'll pour into me. Our love would be an act of worship to the one true God. 

I know exactly what I want in life. I'm working towards all my goals. I'm going to achieve all my goals. The only goal I can not control is the wife goal. But I truly believe God is going to send her to me. She will make it so obvious that she likes me, loves me, wants me, is willing to fight for us. She will not only want to be a wife, want to be married, want a relationship, but she will want it with me specifically. My time is coming. I only need to keep moving with intention. With focus. With determination. 

GoBabyTrade May || Oohoo what's that?

something's happening to me

On the other side of fear is the life we all want to live. the life that we imagine for ourselves. The life we know we are meant to have if we were brave enough to make the sacrifice and let go of those people, places and things. The idea that everyone does not want to live up to their best selves is such a lie. it's something people tell themselves so they can feel good about being a coward. but that's that thing I'm learning. I've learned. The very thing I judge others for is the very things I used to do. the very things I want to do. and my judgement is more of jealousy and envy. that they can indulge in their lower forms and I can't. Because to know better you are forced to do better. if you know better and still choose the lesser. you simply do a disservice to yourself. you hurt your own feelings. hurt your own pride. you hurt yourself and it's only so long you can hurt yourself before you mind and body begin to fight back. begin to force change and force encounters of change. All of us know what we are supposed to do. what we have to do to live the life we want to live. We all know the needed actions and words. at least I know...but I'm scared. I've been isolated for months now. I've felt so alone for months. The thing I desire the most has been out of reach for months. An it hurts, it really does cut me deep. but maybe this is what is needed. If God thought I was ready he would have given me the thing I prayed for. but he doesn't give it to me because he knows I'm not ready. people will look at my life and think I have everything. A house, a car, money in the bank, a stable job, intellect, physical good looks. but they miss the most fundamental part of the human experience. I'm a human, I'm a person. I have desires and wants. My spirituality is weak and I'm ashamed of that. My desire for affection and love makes me not see my own worth. My childhood haunts me. the desire to save my mother when I see her in other women with low self worth. My mind races with theories and ideas of life and existence. At this stage of my life all I want is a family. I want to have a child(ren), I want to get married to someone who loves me and is loyal to me. someone who sees me and recognizes my value and worth and honors that. someone who wants something out of life and works towards their goals but wants me there with them. Someone who wants to be loved and wants to give love. The sadness that I live with daily is self inflicted. I have nothing to be sad about, nothing to be hurt over. Vanessa is dead and gone, my mother is living in survival mode and I have to avoid her. My siblings have their own problems. I'm alone in a world full of hurt, selfish, ignorant people. and the people who do like me I'm not attracted to them. so as always. I either settle for a trash ass woman I'm attracted too or I settle for a woman I'm not attracted too but she likes me. I've yet to meet an attractive woman who is not trash and she likes me. Honestly, that hurts, that makes me think the universe God is actually against me and wants me to be alone. but that makes no sense, that's not how the world works. That's not how things are supposed to be. that's not true...but for some reason that feels and seems to be my reality.